1. Sniffing butts is a norm.
Moms will not think twice about holding their children's bottom up to their nose to see if its time for a diaper change. It is the only way to be sure the deed has been done. No if, ands, or butts...well, you get the point.
2. You no longer hesitate to pick a booger.
Those little blue "nose suckers" are nice and dandy, but the easiest and most reliable way to rescue the bats from the cave is to just go gold digging. *Wow at the number of metaphors in that sentence*
3. A stinky diaper is exciting.
Every mom knows that the worst pain for newborns babies is constipation. Babies get so unbelievably fussy, and there is nothing anyone can do to help them. So yes...when your baby has a dirty diaper it is exciting because that means it is going to be a great day.
4. You have accepted the fact that sleep is not for everyone.
People say "I slept like a baby." Those people obviously do not have a baby. I want to sleep like the baby's dad—now that would be something to brag about. Moms have a never-ending job, especially if they are breastfeeding.
5. You have traded in the bikinis for tankinis.
Tankinis really aren't as bad as they seem. Some moms do manage to drop the baby weight extremely fast and are comfortable strutting their stuff in a yellow polka dot bikini. Then there are moms like myself. I still look a couple months pregnant and I have stretch marks like crazy. I am very pleased with the progress I have made, and don't get me wrong—I do look good in a bikini—but motherhood has given me a more modest attitude.
6. There is no such thing as privacy.
Do not even bother closing the bathroom door anymore because nobody knocks. You might as well just save them the work and leave it open. There is no such thing as pottying in peace. Same goes for showering and taking baths. If the child is not in the water with you, then he or she is nearby waiting to show you their new trick or tell you about their day.
7. You always have a cold dinner.
I cannot tell you how many times I have picked up dinner on the way home because I am starving. I literally do everything in my power to make sure that I have nothing to do but eat once I reach my destination. Of course something always comes up, especially when you have an infant. It's like they know you are about to eat and they play a little joke on you where they decide they are hungry again, too—that, or it's time for a diaper change. Better yet, they decided to vomit all over themselves and you. By the time you get to your fries, they are flopping around and cold. One day, they will understand the terror of eating cold, soggy fries. Only then will they truly understand the sacrifices moms make.
8. You have "out-cried" your baby.
Now, I know I cannot be the only one who has done this whether it be out of frustration or just for funsies. Sometimes when the baby is crying, I just cry with him, especially if it's one of those cries where you cannot do anything to make him happy. I will just look him dead in the eyes and mimic his screams. The reactions I get are priceless. Please tell me someone else has done this.
9. You are always late.
It does not matter how early you get up or how prepared you are—you will be late. It just comes with the title.
10. It takes at least two hours to get ready.
When dads get ready they just take a shower, brush their teeth, and throw on some clothes. Boom—they are done. But moms, on the other hand...well, we have to bathe and groom ourselves plus the offspring. Then we have to pick up the mess the kids made while everyone was getting ready. Next, we have to pack bags for the day because you can never be over-prepared. This is why most moms do not have on makeup when you see them—ain't nobody got time for that.
11. Your car is always a mess.
Cleaning your car is nearly pointless when you are a mom of little ones. It doesn't matter how hard you try—things are bound to accumulate in the floorboards and all over the back seat. Not to mention the windows. You are not a mom unless there are finger prints or words written all over the windows from that rainy day.
12. Homemade gifts are the best.
Only a mom truly appreciates homemade gifts. They are appropriate for any and all occasions and will be cherished forever. Literally. Every house has a tote full of these precious memories. You would be lying if you said this weren't true.
13. You have stocked up on stain remover.
Stain remover is something you need from the very day they are born. It's amazing how much filth can gather on your kids' clothes. I know it is a hassle to spray every single article of clothing, but it's definitely worth it. It's amazing how long you can make their clothes last.
14. Sprout is your favorite channel.
When I was searching for Nickelodeon, it made me stumble upon this great channel for my little sprout. He loves watching "Caillou" with Mommy. I'm not going to lie, though. I never change the channel when he falls asleep or is not home for the day. That stuff is addicting.
15. Child proofing can be a hassle.
I personally have not child proofed the house yet because I feel like it can be the biggest waste of time. Plus, some of the little gadgets are a bit complicated for adults as well.
16. Family vacations have an understood +1.
It does not matter if you have one child or five—someone is always going to insist on bringing their friend with them. It is just a known fact of parenting.
17. Every stray becomes a pet.
I can't really blame the children for this one. Moms have a heart for the innocent fur babies who wonder up at their door. The goal is to get the children in on it. If it sounds like their idea, the dad will be more likely to say yes. Sneaky, sneaky. I know!
18. You talk to adults using a baby voice.
When you are talking to a child or a baby you tend to say "say" a lot. Bad habits die hard. I can't tell you how many times I have caught myself using "say" before a very important statement to other adults. It's not just what you say though. It is also how you say it. The tone is a little more easy to manage though.
19. There is never enough storage for more pictures.
Children are always getting into something or showing off some new trick. A mom's first instinct is to grab their phone to take a picture. If you have an iPhone, you have probably seen this message far too often. It is so disappointing because 1) you have to delete precious memories in order to take any more photos or 2) you missed the perfect photogenic opportunity. #tragic
