I’m going to be honest, here – kids freak me out. It’s not because I’m an emotionless monster who doesn’t appreciate a cute baby; they just make me uncomfortable. Kids intimidate me because I can’t relate to them, and they make me anxious because I feel incompetent when I’m around them. I admire women who have that natural knack for child rearing and who are predisposed to nurture lovingly while juggling family life. I have neither the knack for children nor the desire to have them, and I’m okay with that. I used to feel guilty that I wasn’t maternally inclined. When asked if I wanted kids one day, I would reply that maybe one day I would, but not anytime soon. I began to realize, however, that my desire to have or not to have children is my own choice and no one else’s.

Now that I’m reaching an age where many girls around me are getting engaged and are starting families, I can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy at the fact that familial commitment comes so easily for them. This may sound immature, but the thought of being sworn to one person for eternity makes me uncomfortable. I am even more uncomfortable thinking about the magnitude of the investment that is a child. I’m a self-admitted flakey person, and the responsibility of raising a child into and past adulthood is daunting. When I imagine my future, I see a career, a dog, an apartment, and sometimes a spouse – but never a child. I don’t see myself as a mother, or ever wanting to be a mother. I wish that I were the type of person who loved kids and wanted a houseful of them. Yet no matter how hard I try to be interested in having a family of my own, I can’t. I’m not good with children, long-term commitments, or unconditional love. I don’t think I’ll ever be willing to make the sort of sacrifices that raising a child requires. While this sounds selfish, I refuse to subject a child to resentment or bad mothering.

In no way do I mean to diminish the importance of motherhood. Women’s bodies are naturally designed to bear children, and the process of having a child is a beautiful thing. For many women, motherhood comes naturally, and the passion for bearing children is genuine. However, I don’t think that kids are part of God’s plan for everyone, and I don’t think that it’s acceptable for women to feel pressured into having them. It’s important that women are given the choice to either have or not to have a family, and that no one is put to shame for their decision.

As a society, we pride ourselves for our progressiveness and our acceptance of women choosing their own paths, but there seems to still be an unspoken disapproval for those who choose to not want a family. Sure, it’s an improvement from sixty years ago, when the role of a woman was almost exclusively that of a homemaker. Today, women are expected to be both mothers and career-women, and to excel at both. Stay-at-home moms are often criticized for not taking up a “real job,” while mothers who have successful careers are criticized for not being family-oriented. Women are expected to be both full-time mothers and full-time employees, which, in my opinion, is not a step forward at all. The stereotype of the “super-mom” who can juggle work, kids and managing a home is equally as oppressive as the stereotype of the 1950’s housewife.

From my experience, my opinion on not having children is an unpopular one which many people don’t understand. Some people believe that not wanting children is disrespectful to those who want children but can’t have them. Some people believe that not wanting children is in direct disobedience with God’s intention for women. Some people simply don’t see why anyone would choose to pass up the joys of motherhood. Similarly, I don’t see why not wanting children elicits such a negative reaction, as this personal decision does not affect society at large. Why then, do some people not accept this as a valid decision, especially within Christian environments?

Growing up in a small church, and eventually winding up at a small Christian college, I have always felt a push to find a husband and have a family. I grew up instilled with the belief that my entire adolescence/young adulthood should be spent learning skills and developing traits that would prime me to find a husband and eventually raise a family. Young girls are constantly exposed to these sorts of expectations, by being given baby dolls that anticipate the role of a nurturing mother, or by being raised on the idea that princesses only get happy endings when they find their prince. This is an unhealthy ideology to teach girls – girls need to be told that they are allowed to be content and successful on their own, and that a future involving a family does not automatically ensure happiness. Sure, many people find happiness through the family they build, but not everyone does. I think it’s incredibly toxic to make girls of any age feel incomplete for not wanting to follow the traditional route of settling down and having kids. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be traditional, I simply believe that girls should be given more options.

Despite backlash from both society, and the church, I’m quite content with my decision to remain childless. I guess the biggest reason I don’t want a child isn’t the fact that kids are intimidating or because I have weird commitment issues. The biggest reason is probably because I don’t know what I’m doing next week, let alone what I’ll be doing 20 years from now. I may or may not end up married with children, but I’m not about to start making those plans now. I’m young and have my entire life ahead of me, and I know that I’ll have the opportunity to follow any path that I want. I’m fortunate enough to be given a choice, and my mind just so happens to be set.