Never in a million years did I think you would be the one to break me.

It started out so innocent and true. There were so many signs that we were “meant to be.” You reminded me so much of my father and you know, they all say that you end up marrying someone like your father. But it turns out, they don't know anything. And I was so comfortable with you; I never really experienced butterflies or nervousness because it was so natural. It was like we were meant to be there, like the universe had been waiting for the moment that we would meet so that it could watch our story unravel so perfectly; just like it had planned. I felt like we were soulmates, I guess.

You were everything I didn't know I needed. You knew the world wasn't full of rainbows and sunshine, you had been through thunderstorms and had scars you didn't like to talk about. You were real. You knew how to speak to me in my moments of immaturity and vulnerability without being demeaning. You knew how to make me laugh when I all I could do was cry. You knew what every sigh meant, how to react to every eye roll - you knew what mood I was in and how to handle it by a simple face expression or a slight change in tone. You knew me.

And, well, I thought I knew you. I think on some levels, I did. I knew how to listen to you and how to comfort you. I learned about your past, your fears, your goals. I tried to help you get over the pain, overcome what frightened you and help you achieve everything you had in mind. But it was never enough for you.

As soon as you were given the chance, you left me. I had no idea what I had done, I couldn't figure out what I could have possibly said to make you run. I played your favorite songs on repeat for months on end trying to unravel the lyrics and piece together the meanings of them to understand why you left. All it ever did was leave me tired, though. I was always waking up broken hearted and confused, lost without any real grasp of why you loved me yesterday but didn't today.

Then one day, it just hit me.

It wasn't my fault.

It wasn't my fault that you made yourself so unlovable. It was never my fault that you had built walls so high and so thick that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't break through them. My hands were bloody and scarred from trying to pry open your exterior barriers so that I could show you the love I had to offer. But you were so wrapped in your own self pity and so busy being lost in your own mind, you forgot to let me love you.

I have no doubt that you loved me. You might still. I could see it in your eyes, feel it in your touch. You were always so willing to do anything and everything for me but I think it scared the hell out of you that I loved you, too. You ran because you were so used to disasters that you couldn't begin to imagine a life where you slept soundly through the night. You couldn't see yourself being happy so you didn't let yourself and that's not my fault.

I will always, always, have a place for you in my heart. You were the first man I loved after I had learned to love myself and it was so much more powerful than any other emotion I had ever experienced. I can act like I'm bitter, I can go on dates, I can continue to become the woman I aspire to be but there will always be a part of me that wants to come home to you at the end of every day.

Maybe one day, I won't miss you anymore. Maybe one day, I'll find someone that allows me to love him. You might even come back to me one day after you've traveled the world and want to come back to the home we built.

But until one of those things happen, I will be living my life carrying around the love that you did not allow me to give you.