Hey guys. It's me, live from the Q. It's been about three or so weeks since I haven't really left the house (minus my daily dog walk and a couple of trips to the grocery store or to pick up dinner). For a personal update, I'm hanging in there. Some days are fine, and some I struggle a little more than the average. Many of you know that I am a very routine-oriented person, so I have been definitely grappling with the uncertainty of this time. TBH, online school sucks, and I am disappointed with the lack of understanding from some of my professors who are expecting a lot from us during this difficult time. I never thought that I would say that I miss going to class. I'm also still kind of in shock that I'm not at school, because it still hasn't really hit me that I'm not going back. It's no secret that this hasn't been my easiest year at school so far, but I do miss it a ton and feel very disappointed that the year was cut short and I didn't have the opportunity to experience a lot of things that I was looking forward to (date events, mom's weekend, fun sorority traditions, etc.). And on top of that, it's messing with my head that I am home and I haven't been hanging out with my hone friends every night til 2 am nor have I gotten to spend real time with my grandparents (which if you know anything about my family I typically see them multiple times a week). There isn't any other word to describe how I'm feeling--it's just freaking weird and I don't like it.

Believe me, I'm trying to stay positive and count my blessings as best as I can. I'm an overthinker, and I could certainly spend all day worrying about if my loved ones and I are going to get this stupid virus and fearing that everything in my life is ruined and if it hasn't yet, then it will be very soon. But, ironically, I haven't been as down on myself as I probably could be. I've been trying to take care of myself through going on lots of walks (sometimes runs if I'm really feeling it), experimenting with new recipes in the kitchen, reading more, and trying to check up on my friends. I even recently accepted a position to be a community rep for the Odyssey at UIUC and am looking forward to helping my team grow and gaining more opportunities through this amazing community. There is truly no better time than right now to accomplish things you've always wanted to do (well that don't require going outside or being with people of course lol). I'm also just thankful that I have a roof over my head, plenty of food, that I am healthy and sheltering safely with my family, and all of my close friends and family are doing the same. It's comforting to know that we are all in the same boat, struggling together and trying to navigate the unfamiliarity and uncertainty of this time.

One of the things that I have been thinking a lot about is how things are going to change when this is all over, because I do think the ramifications of this virus are large, not just from a health perspective, but also from a social perspective. There are many policies that I think are going to be implemented across various businesses and organizations that will help inhibit anything of this magnitude to ever happen again. However, I do think there will be a bigger impact in terms of the way that we gather and communicate with others. For one thing, terms like "social distancing" weren't even in our vocabulary a month ago and now that's the only thing that people are talking about (or ignoring and making jokes about). And this word is truly tearing relationships, and all human interaction, apart. Socialization has been put on the back burner, of course for good reason, but it's terrifying that basically everything I've been taught about expressing compassion and kindness for other people no longer exists and we don't know if it will ever be back to normal ever again.

It's crazy to think about how much has changed in this period of time. It wasn't too long ago where I was standing at Kams, smushed on top of strangers, making friends with random drunk people, and passing around and sharing drinks with my friends, without a second thought. Now we aren't even able to hug our grandparents. And I can't even imagine going to a restaurant right now after thinking about how I just finished eating dinner where we all microwaved our takeout and wiped the lids of our diet coke cans. Typing that actually makes me laugh because it sounds freaking ridiculous, but that's the reality we live in. I'm sure we could play this game for hours, talking about all of the crazy things that these past couple weeks have brought us and how unimaginable the world we are living in right now truly is. And the scariest part of it is that we have no clue when this is going to end, but also what the long-term effects of this are. How am I going to meet my future husband if I have to be more than six feet away from them? Kidding, but like not really.

When this is all over and life can return back to normal, it's going to feel really weird. I've been imagining the time when I can finally go see my friends again (not just peering our heads out of our car windows, but like really hanging out with them), and I feel like it's going to be so awkward and none of us are going to know what to do. The truth is, there are a lot of mixed messages out there in the media about what we are supposed to do, and I can only imagine the confusion we're all going to feel about what to do when this is all over. We are making every decision right now in hopes that it will serve a purpose and will be beneficial to society at large, but it can definitely be hard when we're not getting the instant payoff for it. To be honest, I am very apprehensive about what's to come, and I'm sure many of you are too.

Something my mom and I have talked a lot about lately is how this whole time period is kind of a grieving process of our "prequarantine lives", essentially mourning a past life that we once lived. The unthinkable is happening--weddings and other special events have been cancelled, people are losing jobs left and right, and people are losing loved ones to COVID-19 and can't even have a proper funeral for them. I cannot even imagine what some people are going through right now. Yet, there are also plenty of people who are on the other side of it--maybe you are just struggling to work/study from home, are getting antsy just being stuck in your house all the time, or even just having a hard time wrapping your head around not being able to see your friends. EVERYONE has something that they are struggling with right now. And whether the magnitude of the problem be big or small does not make this time any easier nor invalidate the pain you're feeling right now. As cliché as it sounds, it's okay to not be okay right now.

I know it sounds crazy to label this time period as "grief," but I can't really think of anything else that captures this time period. People are depressed, struggling, and are suffering deeply. Grief is not a linear process, and it is okay to feel lost right now, especially due to all of the unknown that is happening right now. Although it doesn't feel like there is an end in sight, eventually, our lives will go on, but we will essentially be living in a whole new world. Just like any other big event in our history (ex: 9/11), our lives are going to be forever changed because of this pandemic. No, I don't know exactly what those changes are going to be and I don't really think anyone else knows, either. But what I do know is that I am going to try to make a better effort to not take things as much for granted. In a second, all of the stability we thought we had in our lives was taken away from us. We seriously didn't know how good we had it.

May we never take for granted a hug from a family member or friend again.

May we never take for granted fresh groceries again.

May we never take for granted a class in a lecture hall, being able to engage with teachers and students again.

May we never take for granted a concert watching our favorite artists perform again.

May we never take for granted a good meal at a restaurant (don't think I ever took this one for granted haha) again.

May we never take for granted the capability to get in the car and drive wherever we want to go without worry again.

May we never take for granted the ability to have a roof over our heads again.

And most importantly, may we never, and I mean never, take our precious health for granted ever again.

Because you never know what that feels like until it's all gone.