Picture him. You know exactly who I'm talking about. His hair, the way his mouth curves into a smile, the unique color of his lips, and his unusual mannerisms. Maybe it has been years since his name came up in a conversation or he bothered to reach out. Yet, every time you hear the syllables of his name come together you only think of one word: R-E-G-R-E-T.
I am guessing you regret letting him control and consume your life because if you hadn't, everything would have worked out perfectly, am I right?
Why would you not regret him? He caused you pain, heartache, stress, and every negative adjective in between. He told you about his hopes, insecurities, and fears and you retained this information like precious cargo. He sat across from you with a cup of coffee and pretended to care about every detail of your life. You let his poison fill the cracks where you were "broken."
You thought what he gave you fixed all your insecurities and problems, and it did for a short amount of time. Does it make you regret letting him into all the corners of your mind?
Maybe you saw the light in his eyes he possessed for you switch off instantly, or maybe it was slow and unnoticeable for a while. You soon realized your relationship had less trust and contained lies and deception. Soon after this realization, your friends would ask, "how did you get so lucky?" You would think to yourself, "is that actually what it looks like from the outside? Do I look happy? Does he? Should I feel lucky?" He conveniently masked your reality while you thrived on the emotional manipulation and endless drama.
Stop punishing yourself for thinking you had the ability to change him. You only saw the good in his lies. I am sorry that his charisma tricked you into months of dedicating all your time to making sure he still wanted to "love" you. Constantly thinking and wishing for him to be with you and reassure you that you're the one he wants. Stop letting the memories take over your mind and rile you up inside.
Let go of the fact you allowed him to mold you into someone you did not recognize when you looked in the mirror. You once wanted him — that living, breathing human being that "completed" you. You wanted that reality, and in that moment, you had it. It is OK that you got everything you THOUGHT you wanted. You figured out his game and you tried to play it. It is OK that this relationship became increasingly hard to wave a white flag at.
But, do you remember leaving the life you "needed"? Do you remember gaining the courage to say "enough"? To walk away with grace and poise while tears streamed down your face as you didn't look back. Maybe the last time you hung the phone up on him made you realize a burden of emotions had flown away.
You registered that your nights didn't have to be sleepless and you could wake up and feel refreshed. You became aware that the pain did not kill you but pushed you to come to terms with the fact he never wanted you. Do you regret that realization?
If you got nothing but a painful lesson from this relationship, consider yourself lucky. You got away; you were given knowledge only he was capable of educating you on. Lessons that no book or article could've taught you better than experiencing it through tears and emotional scars. You had to go through the weeks of feeling worthless and unappreciated in order to let go and say "I am worthy of more than what you put me through." If something so traumatic left you with the slightest bit of positivity, then he didn't win, my dear, you did.
You cannot change that he walked into your life, but you can control the attitude you have about the lessons he taught you and how you wish to move forward.
