"two people who were once very close can
without blame or grand betrayal
Perhaps this is the saddest thing in the world."
- Warsan Shire
This whole part of my life is almost a myth, I'm twenty-two years old, and for what feels like my entire life, I was slowly dying and no one noticed.
You couldn't see it because you were too caught up in yourself, men, resenting me, and thinking about how much I owed you.
Meanwhile, my body was covered in open wounds that were constantly bleeding. Every morning I woke wanting to die before the day was out, but I continued to live suffering and fighting, fighting and suffering, clinging on to the certainty that it will all end one day. My journey on this island with you was supposed to my salvation.
I loved you. Now, I'm indifferent to your very existence. I have no ill words for you. I won't slander your name. Although, I know you have and will because that has always been the person YOU are. Your perception of me is false and I honestly don't care enough to clarify. They are all just projections of you. User? Take a look at your lifestyle. Your friendship meant the world to me. I thought we were soul sisters and I was ecstatic to be riding this wave called life with you but we are not compatible. Never have been. Never will be. You are fire; I am water. You are hot; I am cold. You are day and I am night. I've come to the realization that we were never friends. Which is why it was so easy for me to simply cut my heart open and remove the cancer*. No malicious words. No emails. No stupid texts. No explanation. I'll let your mind wander.
It didn't surprise me when you weren't there for me when my dad was in the hospital. We were never friends. You didn't have to invite me over and make it seem like you were doing me a favor when I was in town. It was clear you didn't want me around. We were never friends. I'm thankful for everything you did for me, all of which I repaid you for. But you should've left me in the Hostel which is what you honestly wanted to do because in reality... We were never friends. There's no part of your identity that I would EVER want or even have access to. We never speak, I've known you less than a year not including these past 8 months of nothing. The year I did know you we did nothing but numb ourselves. We never uttered a word. We were never friends. Yes, I've shared parts of my soul with you and I'm sure you've shared my parts with others. It's in your nature but it's all good because we were never friends. Through the most difficult time in my life, you have the audacity to email me some bullshit because I decided to leave you in my past? I am not obligated to answer your calls or speak to you. You then end your email with "I really do hope your dad is doing better." Well, guess what? He's not. Also, what the fuck does that have to do with anything? Your emails and malicious texts are not making my life any easier at an already stressful time. You knew that. So, fuck you. We were never fucking friends. Stop texting me. Stay out of my life forever.
I've grown to be a better more confident person. A happy person. Your belittling and condescending words throughout this "friendship" did not contribute to my growth or confidence. I found that through the love and support of past lovers, REAL friends, and strangers. Not an individual who has always wanted to see me fail. I'm thankful that I didn't have a dime to my name to leave Puerto Rico otherwise I would have. You are NOT the reason I stayed.
God allows us to see things only when he wants us to change. I've been affirmed of my goals and aspirations since I was a child. Although, I wasn't confident enough to see it in myself. I never consulted with you on my goals because I knew you were too egotistical to see past anything but yourself.
Your very presence makes me want to set myself on fire. I chose to ignore those feelings and focus on the love I had for you but there's a beauty in understanding how shitty people can affect who you are for the better. I'll continue to chase my dreams and I'll know that no wo/MAN contributed to my success.
So here's to old birds with new flight, toasting to a new outlook on life. If you walked through hell there must heaven, right?
your passive aggressive "friend"