I think suicide is one of those issues that we never talk about dealing with because it's so tragic. It's not something we encounter the same way we encounter breakups or low self-esteem, or even abusive relationships. Sure, we hear about suicide prevention and some of us even know what signs to look for, but do we really know how to react when we discover someone we love is suicidal?
My guess is no, most of us don't know how to react. And how would we? It's not like we have a trial and error system in place like we do in parenting. It's not like we have a ton of feedback from the suicidal person we're trying to communicate with because in most cases they have zero interest in debating. I think most of us react verbally based on the emotions we are feeling at the time but that is exactly why we shouldn't. Whether it's anger or sadness or shock, we have to put our immediate emotions aside, otherwise, we risk putting a suicidal person in an even worse state.
1. Stop calling them selfish.
First of all, it's pretty selfish to tell someone who can't bear the way they feel when they wake up that they need to consider everyone else's feelings. Of course, they don't want to make anyone suffer on their account, but have you ever stopped to think of how much they are suffering every moment of each day? And even if you did, you couldn't begin to grasp the depth that kind of pain reaches.
2. Stop telling them you know how they feel.
Whether they tell you it's bills or a break-up or even a disability, you don't understand how they feel. Because if you did, you would be trying to commit suicide as well. This is an imbalance within their mental and emotional state that you most-likely do not struggle with. Suicide isn't just a bad day and it's not just a product of unfavorable circumstances. Otherwise the rich and famous wouldn't be struggling with suicide, would they?
3. Stop guilt tripping.
They already feel bad enough, so why add more to the load that they already cannot carry? Don't use them as your dumping ground to expel your anger and sadness into. They have enough of that all on their own. They feel guilty enough for not loving the life they have, for feeling like they aren't strong; like they're a burden. Don't be the person to confirm these emotions by firing at them with all the ways they should be ashamed, and forget the fact that they've already spent quite some time with guilt and shame.
Don't take someone who is broken and beat them with all the ways they just screwed up. They are at a point where nothing they've tried has worked. They know they should be grateful for the good things, but for reasons you can't understand, that gratitude isn't enough to wrestle the pain they carry. Don't make their overwhelming pain and lack of belief in themselves about you and your feelings. Don't ignore their suffering. Making them feel like crap just to release the negative emotions you're experiencing into someone who literally cannot take the feeling of disappointment anymore seems pretty ineffective and selfish...don't you think?
Instead, listen. Be there. Show them how much you care. You can't always talk people out of suicide, but maybe you can calm them down enough to seek alternative help. Maybe you can show them that they aren't a disappointment just because they need help handling a life that has become overwhelming. Maybe in their state of darkness, you can show them the glimmer of love that they lack.
IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW ARE STRUGGLING WITH SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND/OR TENDENCIES, REACH OUT IMMEDIATELY. NO ONE SHOULD GO THROUGH THIS ALONE. SUICIDE IS SERIOUS.
National Suicide Hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255 - available 24/7
