Decatur, Illinois. 12 Dec 2016
Mere hours before his finals began, local Millikin University junior Aston Shilling reported binge-watching not one, but three different shows on Netflix rather than use his otherwise free time to prepare for his exams.
According to our sources, the Netflix original series 'Daredevil' appeared in Shilling's 'Watch it Again' suggestions on Friday night while he had literally nothing better to do, since preparing for examinations that compose the foundation of a career is apparently 'nothing'.
Aston reportedly found himself 'enthralled' and 'glued' to his seat, though his Instagram reveals that he definitely left the couch on occasion, in particular, to pay people delivering food to his door.
It seems as though Shilling watched both seasons of the Daredevil series back to back resulting in almost 22 straight hours of consuming disability-enabled Catholic justice and angst, bringing him to late Saturday evening. As doctors recommend no more than 16 hours of such exposure, it was already risky to continue. But somewhere around the ninth bottle of Mountain Dew he claimed that he felt 'too wired' to stop, and thus began watching Jessica Jones, a PI that takes trash from no guys. All the while his flash cards languished, untouched and unloved.
Ten hours later, early Sunday morning, Shilling apparently passed out, as all social media was inactive for hours save a single tweet, apparently hyperlinking to an informational site on Japanese toothbrushing.
At this point in the weekend of shame, Shilling had already consumed the rest of his horde of gas station snacks, delivery pizza, and Chinese, and sweets he had hidden away from the last care package his mum had sent. His phone was full of messages from concerned friends and family, worried that instead of facing the reality of final exams and striking a healthy balance between work and relaxing, Shilling was instead spiraling into the same cycle he was always stuck in. The loved ones were absolutely right, as Sunday night found Shilling turning on one more TV series.
Shilling finally finished his insane triathlon of binge-watching about an hour before his first final of the week, Advanced Geometry. Classmates reported varying levels of concern over Shilling's condition upon his arrival to the testing hall.
Though final grades have yet to roll in, we are fairly certain that none of the superheroes Shilling spent countless hours watching could possibly save his GPA. Updates will follow on whether Shilling uses this experience to rise above his past self and improve his habits or just let it happen again next time until he fails beyond redemption.
When reached for comments Shilling simply muttered "At least I didn't spend my weekend generating fake tweets," to which we are professionally confused and personally offended.
