Nauseating Nostalgia: A Review Of 'Fuller House'

Let's start off this article with a disclaimer: As a naïve child, I absolutely adored Full House. I must have watched every episode at least five times without getting tired of it. However, since there are now hundreds of TV channels dedicated to reruns of old shows, I have grown a shrewd hatred of this show. As a young adult, the tired plot lines, the general corniness, and the mind-numbing catchphrases are too much to handle.

When the idea of Fuller House was announced, I felt the urge to crawl into a hole and stay there until the storm passed. What is the reasoning behind bringing this corpse back to life? Besides, of course, to give a bunch of washed-up actors a steady paycheck again.

But then: a moment of joy. The world found out that Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen would not be reprising their role as Michelle. I would like to sell my organs to these magnificent women for not inflicting the patron saint of tyrannical children, Michelle Tanner, upon us once more. Michelle was a complex character, being both "adorable" and a sociopath at the same time. She had everyone in that commune of a household wrapped around her horns. Everything in that place operated by her command, all under the guise of "I'm too young to know if what I'm doing is right or wrong."

After hearing both good and horrendously horrendous things about Fuller House, I decided that I needed to see just what it was all about. As the message reminding us that Fuller House is a Netflix original series, what is the first thing that pops up? MICHELLE TANNER. Yes, there she was, just her face, staring at me (menacingly). Behind the guise of her cheeky grin, I just knew she was plotting her next move.

However, now that Michelle is gone, it seems as if the other characters have taken over for her, as they are all just so unbearable. The show begins right with Jesse's unhealthy addiction to Elvis and Joey's unbearable impressions. Next, Becky comes down the stairs, and she honestly looks no different from when the show ended 20 years ago. She clearly stole the souls of Bob Saget and Dave Coulier. Becky proceeds to be dismayed at the fact that her, Jesse, and the twins used to inhabit the attic, even though they were jointly bringing in a healthy income. She can thank the terror St. Michelle for that one!

Next walks in the star of the show, a grown up D.J. Tanner. It becomes very apparent that Candace Cameron Bure is essentially playing herself: slightly uptight and squeamish towards anything "sinful," and "immoral" and somehow "Donald Trump."

And then there's Stephanie! Upon arrival, Stephanie possesses an atrocious British accent that made me question whether it was actually her that fell off the horse in the series finale of Full House instead of Michelle. British Stephanie asks Father Daniel about the whereabouts of St. Michelle. Father Daniel explains that Michelle is busy running a fashion empire in New York City, and then every washed-up cast member stares at the camera, with a look of disappointment. Once again, thank you Mary-Kate and Ashley for not adding fuel to the dumpster fire.

As the creators of Fuller House harass us with more nostalgia, Nicky and Alex Katsopolis drop by! What's very clear is that these two peaked as three year olds, because their acting is worse than Joey's existence.

But who could forget Kimmy Gibbler! The perpetually pesky neighbor comes strolling in wearing an outfit that looks like a four year old girl's closet threw up on her. Due to Kimmy's existence, British Stephanie brings back the cringeworthy, "How rude!" Saying this, her British accent mysteriously disappears, and once again it is Michelle that fell off the horse.

Danny reveals that the commune is finally being sold, and the freeloaders are all upset, including Danny. How could Danny be upset? Based on the hyperinflation in the San Francisco housing market, Danny is walking away from this house a few million in the black.

Perhaps the most ear-ruining part of this episode is when you hear the new theme song, sung by the forever annoying Carly Rae Jepsen. Stop trying to make Carly Rae Jepsen happen. It's not working.

At the going away party for Danny, we meet his attractive, younger wife. You almost feel really happy for him, until he brings the clean-freak shtick back, and then you couldn't care less. What's even worse is that Danny seemingly kidnapped one of D.J.'s children, and made him into a mini-Danny.

It's very apparent that the creators of the show want to punch us until we scream "NOSTALGIA!" Now, Steve, the garbage can that was D.J.'s high school boyfriend, is back in our lives. Steve is now the proud owner of Comet Jr. Jr., because they couldn't think of a better way for him to be a part of the show. Steve's presence is already unwelcome, as he begins hitting on D.J., whose husband JUST died. How rude! (The show is holding me captive)

Post-British Stephanie, the DJ of the going away party, decides to inflict more pain on us, and makes Jesse and the Geriatric Rippers perform "Forever." There is a link to the music video below, so that you can all suffer with me.

After the party, D.J. begins to feel the impact of everybody leaving her and the children. She's running around literally doing everything under the sun: from delivering puppies to giving ear drops to her baby. All while this is happening, everyone on the commune is staring at her, oblivious to what they're supposed to do.

After all of the members of the commune crowd around the baby monitor and listen to D.J. cry to her baby, they finally decide that something must be done. Since this is the offspring of Full House, they all decide to change their lives to help D.J. This means that Danny and Becky will spontaneously quit their LA-based talk show, Jesse won't be the composer for 'Days of Our Lives,' and Joey decides to commute to his shows in Las Vegas everyday. (The distance between Las Vegas and San Francisco is 8 hours, so he would be looking at a 16 hour daily commute)

Thankfully, Post-British Stephanie talks some sense into the elders, and they realize how stupid they all are. With that, Post-British Stephanie and Kimmy decide that they are going to move in with D.J., and help her take care of the kids. And guess what! They're all going to live in Danny's house! The commune will carry on with a new generation!

The episode ends with a split screen of the whole crew singing The Flintstone's theme song. In the first scene, they're singing to St. Devil Michelle, and the other, to D.J.'s more pleasant baby.

And that's it, folks. That's all I can fathom for the time being. Cheers to many more years of nostalgia hitting us like a truck.