Happy Halloween month, everybody!!!! So I’ve been hearing that there seems to be some kind of a clown epidemic going on.

Well, luckily you have people like me around. Let’s just say I've had some experience with fighting clowns. I’ve beaten most of the Batman Arkham Asylum series on hard mode. So I’ve taken down a few “jokers” in my day. Clown defense is a top priority these days. Hopefully, by the time Thanksgiving comes around, your Uncle Lou will only be complaining about the election, and not some clown scaring the shit out of him in a King Kullen parking lot. So grab your head basket of oranges, and here's a clown survival guide with some spooky pictures!

1. Time and place.

These damn clowns will prey on you any time of the day, but the key is to try not to be out too late at night. New Paltz students may need to make some sacrifices. Oasis will still be its crappy self in November, and is that macaroni and cheese from Pavese’s really so good that you’d be willing to get attacked by a clown for it? If you feel it’s necessary to be out super late at night, then you must accept the consequences. It is ABSOLUTELY necessary to make these sacrifices to avoid any clown interactions.

2. Don’t laugh in public…ever.

Nothing attracts a wild clown faster than the sound of laughter. So no more joking around! Is that funny meme really worth sharing with someone in public if it’s a life or death situation? You know what? Don’t even interact with anyone in public! Don’t even give a smirk to your friend as you pass by them.

3. Consider becoming Batman.

I know this might sound ridiculous… but if you have the resources, become a temporary Batman. Someone did that in the news I think…. Like if you happen to be a billionaire with mommy/daddy issues with an eclectic set of skills in various forms of martial arts, what the hell are you doing with yourself? Like, people are being scared in their nice, First World bubbles and you still haven’t come to save the day. Actually, I have a big question–are any of these clowns actually attacking people? Should we be fighting them? I sure would love to give that Jared Leto Joker a good punch.

4. My least favorite one…become one of the clowns.

Sometimes when a captain’s ship is surrounded, he has two choices: death or surrender. Life isn’t a novel, so surrender sounds kind of nice. Being a clown may be kind of fun if you think about it. Trolling the masses is already a big hobby for Americans (i.e. Redditors and Donald Trump). Clown shoes look pretty comfortable, and it’s great to have a laugh. It can’t be that bad. You can have the last laugh on those who betrayed you….

Conclusion: Tom's Soapbox

So clowns are out there scaring people. People are getting annoyed. Someone must’ve forgotten to close the doors to scream parks and haunted houses across the globe because these damn clowns are all over the place. However, like anything else, people are taking this thing too far and the world is getting out of hand. The clowns are everywhere, but hopefully this dumb fad dies out like Insane Clown Posse did (worst rap group and band in the history of popular music hands down). Happy clown hunting!

Extras: Here's a deep quote for you...