Everyone thinks skiing and snowboarding are super easy because it looks super easy. It's about as easy as skateboarding backwards on black ice with a wind turbine blowing ice in your face.
Here's what I think, with a little help from Grumpy Cat.
1. Snowboarding is easier to learn.
First of all, how in heck do you even stand up on a snowboard when you have to strap it on your feet while your butt is four inches in the snow bank? I was told to flip over on to my stomach (with this giant plank stuck to my feet that is not very light) and basically use all of the ab strength I do not have and stand up. Little do they (my winter sport inclined friends) tell you, you immediately start to slide down the hill as soon as you stand up.
2. The bunny hill is so fun.
Yeah right. Three-year-old super stars, in their neon jackets and shiny goggles are whipping by me on snowboards and skis and scaring the sh*t out of me as I'm trying to learn how to even move six feet without falling. The least skilled kids get a ride back up on the snowmobile, like can I have a ride, please?
3. Stopping is the easy part.
It's one thing to tell me how to stop; it's another to show me, but it's a completely different thing to have me do so correctly. Every time you turn a snowboard slightly sideways to slow down, you whip right into the snow bank and eat snow. Skiing is even more annoying. "Make a pizza shape," or "just turn your feet in," they say. What does that even mean? I am still going straight down the mountain at 67 MPH. SOS.
4. You fall on your face a lot snowboarding.
Absolutely not. Tell that to my butt, back, head and knees. Sometimes, I didn't even know I was falling and then BAM! Right, upside down, flipped over on my side with my face covered in nothing but embarrassment.
5. Getting off the chair lift is so simple.
When my friend slid off of the chair lift and tried to turn, she ended up on her back, skis still planted in the snow, and continued to basically slide down the mountain until she kicked her ski off to stop. I, on the other hand, couldn't even get on the chair lift because I was super scared.
6. Skiing while drunk is much easier.
OK, a fact, actually, but I still had no idea what I was doing. And hearing, "Make a pizza," just made me get the drunk munchies.
Happy skiing – or not.
