Sometimes, the happiest people are the loneliest. It doesn't matter if they're surrounded by people, they can feel that loneliness everywhere they go, making the so called "happiness" an act.
They can go out, make people laugh and be the life of the party. But at some point, they have to come home, at some point, they can feel absolutely alone
The funny thing is that people don't ask if everything is ok because during the act, it seemingly is.
But what happens when the show lights are dimmed and the show is over? The star goes home, removes the fake emotions from their day and thinks about how they did. They think about how they convinced everyone in the audience that those emotions were real.
For as long as I can remember, I've been that way. For some, that can be hard to believe. How could she be unhappy? She seems so happy.
I've always helped others who are struggling. I put my own feelings aside to try to make someone else feel better.
I never talked about my feelings unless they were positive because, in a way, my negative feelings made me feel selfish. From the outside looking in, I have almost everything someone could want. A loving family, incredible friends and an exciting job. What else would be out there for me?
I often feel as though I'm missing one piece that can pull my life together. The hardest part about everything is that I don't even know what that once piece is, but I'm trying so desperately to find it. I know it will fix it and I know it will fix me, I just need to get to it.
I've tried many things to cope and get my mind straightened out. Going to the gym, constantly surrounding myself with people, humor and talking about my thoughts and feelings. I haven't found anything that works, but that doesn't mean I'm not still searching.
I could never wrap my head around why I was feeling that way, I still can't.
Depression can show your strengths, but can also make you really feel your weaknesses. It's a constant battle. You show that you have the strength to handle things on your own but it is so draining that it leaves you feeling empty.
Depression can make you push away those that you love because, on some days, you feel as though they don't deserve to have to deal with you. Even if they don't even know what's going on. You don't show your feelings because for you that tags on a sense of weakness and you refuse to show that you can be seen as weak.
You don't want to show them that you're upset or struggling. You don't want to be emotional or cry around them. You don't want to feel as though you're their problem to fix because it makes you feel guilty to put that on someone else.
So you keep them away and you do it alone. To lessen the burden.
I never thought to link depression to myself. I always related depression to being hopeless, for I am not. I thought that saying that I was depressed would make people think that I was giving up, which I could never.
As I started to better understand what depression meant to me, I began to wrap my head around what it really was. To be honest, depression isn't just one sad emotion that can destroy you from the inside out. It can be different for everyone. For me, it's a feeling that just demands to be felt, no matter how much I try to run from it.
That being said, I am depressed. But that will not be the only definition of me.
I'm also caring, friendly, loving and driven to better myself. This is not something that I will let beat me. I know it's something that I can conquer. It will take time and patience. I will have to work myself harder than anyone around me. This is not a cry for help. This is a cry for understanding.
Reflecting on what I have, I can use the positivity of everything else that surrounds me to pull it all together.
I'm not hopeless, but hopeful that throughout my journey through life, I can find that missing piece.
So when I go home, and my act is over, I'll feel the strength from my friends and family and use the power I had to put on those emotions and use it to build the piece that I'm looking for.