Words My Father Will Never Understand

Words My Father Will Never Understand

Adversity transformed me into a man, I love and miss you father.

Father, I can forgive you for hitting my mother. I can forgive you for hitting my grandmother. I can even forgive you more importantly for leaving me behind. Furthermore, I can forgive you for not being involved in my life.

My father was always moving around between both Greece and America. My mother and grandparents are the ones who raised me for the majority of my life. Without them, I have no idea where I would be right now. Possibly behind a dumpster or somewhere on the street. My father loved me or so has been said. You left me though at times to go back to Greece, for what reasons I do not understand. Even though my mother does not like to acknowledge that you left us. In truth, you did. My father hated America with every fiber of his being. He hated the "Land of Opportunity." I can not comprehend why you did though.

I have vague glimpses of being with you as a child. One late night it was close to Christmas time as snow began lightly sprinkling onto the ground. I was drinking a high glass of Eggnog. We had a big green tree in the living room with many beautiful ornaments. A town sat below the tree. I stared out the window thinking of you. You came into the house filled with presents for me. A plethora of gifts. My father embraced everyone who was there. You picked me up and I sat on your lap hugging you. I held you so tight, not wanting you to leave me. Of course, I looked up to your face as you had a great big smile on your face. I wish you would have been more like that person. Father, you were a hero to me then, but it was too bad you had to turn into the wicked guy, the villain. People change. Our society looks on the model of being a hero or a villain quite frequently.

My favorite hero of all time is Spider-man. I have hundreds of collections of the comic books. I have seen every single movie and some shows on television. The reason I love Spider-man so much is because his dad was not involved in his life that much and his grandparents raised him. It sounds very familiar to my situation. Peter Parker overcomes hardships and fights crime. He becomes a man. At times he misses his father, like me. Although, he also misses his uncle who dies a horrible death.

Father, I don't mean to criticize you harshly but you used people. The fact of the matter is that you were not a good person. You were a scam. You used my grandparents home as a place to stay for free and in return didn't contribute anything. Moreover, you did not do anything in your life but drink it away. When you did drink, you transformed into an animal. Someone nobody knew at all, unrecognizable. Instead of smashing bottles, you should have been working or better yet chasing an education. In reality, you could have done great things, you were an intelligent man who worked well. But you choose that other life. You chose to go down that other path.

Many times when I am at my grandparents home, I and my grandpa sit on the front steps of the house, just chatting away. Sitting down at the front steps with my grandpa, he would tell me of all the horrible things you did dad. It hurt to hear these numerous true claims. This was one of many talks I would have with my grandpa as we stare at the bare street. We look on having our world famous talks. As we look up at the airplanes that pass by and the clouds. My grandfather is a very wise man who has also taught me a vast amount about life. He worked very diligently in his life working at both motor vehicle and Shoprite. My grandpa also owned his own shoe store that I would visit many times. He is an embodiment that the American Dream still does exist. My grandfather raised a family in America, leaving Greece. Both of my grandparents worked hard and they raised me since I was a little boy. I owe them. My grandpa has taken the role of being my father in some ways. I look up to my grandfather.

The matter of the fact is you could have possibly made it in America. Particularly, you did not even try. You had a good job doing construction but after a couple of days quit for no apparent reason, never returning. Addiction is really a horrible thing and you were addicted to the temptation and tight embrace of the liquor. Anything you could get your hands on, it didn't matter what it was. Hiding the liquor would not help, you would always be able to find it. Even if you couldn't find it, you would walk out and buy a bottle. The bottles were more important than me and my mother it seems. Deep inside you could not control the beast, you could not control your temptations. I do not blame you though, you needed help severely and never obtained it. I still feel to this day that you should have gotten help. My father loved drinking bottles of whiskey down in one night. I'm sure it burned as it went down. I know many other people in this world are alcoholics sadly. Whoever has this issue should greatly receive help.

After you left me and my mother to go to Greece, something detrimental really occurred. Something out of the ordinary, something vicious and unrelenting. I was so young that I do not remember what went on and what my reaction was. My father had a deadly car accident. He was driving drunk and got hit by a police car. The police officer being drunk as well. There is still a mystery of what happened on that day. A lot of people did despise you and you did piss them off. Did the police officer hit you when you were down? Or did you get into a fight afterward? I will never get the answers to these questions, hopefully in the afterlife. The accident left my father a wreck and even worse paralyzed from the waist down. My father was not one who liked to wear a seat belt. He also was the one who liked to speed. Additionally, he was in a coma for about a year or so. But, you managed to wake up through it all. Through all the pain and suffering. My mom had told me you were a strong man. Although, you would use your strength for deadly purposes. Beating people up, striking people, letting your rage out.

I can see that rage in myself, but I am able to control it. As a rule, I never want to be like you ever in my life. Admittedly, I will look like you with my black hair and facial hair. But, I will never be like you and end up like you did. I refuse to throw my life away like you have already. I always thought to myself, why me? Why my father? Why does this happen to my family? I have realized though that other people have it even worse than me. Some don't even know their own father or have one. Some people live in foster homes, not having anyone. My heart goes out to these individuals. Long nights I stayed up thinking about the whole situation as I sat in my bed alone in the dark. I swept the covers and blankets over my head. God could have made this happen to protect me and my mother. God could have made this happen for me to be a better man and for me to be safe. He could have done it even so I could become strong. There are certain claims that bad things happen to good people because it is a test. The lower evil wants to see the greatest or strongest ones fall. Who knows what would have happened with you still around. He could have taken me away to Greece. Or even worse, hit my mother around some more or my grandparents. Or you could be spending all our money that we earn on your booze.

The one thing I didn't gain from you was your six feet tall height. What makes us different though is our heart and minds. Due to the condition you are in now, you will not be able to understand these words that I write.

I have gained many life lessons from you. That I will never leave my child behind like you have. I will never drink my life away like you did and get into mass amounts of trouble. With you out of my life, my grandparents raised me right and my mother. I went to church weekly and prayed and prayed. I stayed out of trouble and many have told me i'm a good kid. I have helped others. With you out of my life, I was able to prosper and grow. Father, I have become an amazing person.

There are a lot of things you have not seen though. With you out of my life, you have not seen the struggle and adversity I have had to go through without you. All that adversity made me strong and turned me into a man. From being bullied, not having money, to at times being very sad. At times I would have to sacrifice and give away money I was making to give to my mother to pay for rent. Giving money to get food and clothes. Giving money to have absolute necessary things. I looked at other people's fathers, wishing I had one. In reality though I have learned that I don't need a father.

Father, I have many ambitions and goals set for myself. I understand that hard work and dedication is needed to obtain success. Something you really had no idea about. I hope and I work towards raising my family up from nothing. I dream of making it big and having my name known by many. I dream of wearing a nice suit with a tie walking down wall street. All I want to do is buy my mother a house and a car. Buy my grandparents whatever they want. I want to help my own. Because of you, I have understood all of this.

I can remember a time about four years ago in my homeland of Greece. The place where I was born. I can remember a dreadful moment of seeing you for the first time. The first time I got to see you that I can remember, you confined to a wheelchair. This happened to you being only about twenty something years old. The accident robbed you of your youth and happiness. Now you are in your forties living a barren and wasted life. I saw the wrinkles on your face and the sad smirk on it. Ordinarily, I saw the many noticeable gray hairs that were on your hair, I got them too. I stare into your brown sad eyes. I went up to you not knowing what to say at all. But neither did you. My mother talks to Greek to you saying "This is your son, Andreas." For a while you can not make that clear connection. Your brain struggles for control. My mother speaks on "I'm your ex wife, Evangelia." He looks confused, perplexed, but when he heard my name, he smiled. I gave you a hug and walked away. It still pains me to have witnessed that exact moment. My father was alive and breathing. He was not the same person though, he was dead in a sense already. Your memory now a clean slate. You were a once strong man, and now you are a weak, hopeless nobody. It did not have to be that way though.

My mother really got the short end of the stick on this dilemma. My mother has been through a lot in her lifetime. I thank her and applaud her for raising me and it was very difficult at times. We have had plenty of disagreements, but in my heart you know that I love you dearly. I look up to you and you did a great job being both a mother and somewhat of a father. Mother, you have given me all that I have ever wanted. You worked very hard working nine to five jobs to help me and keep a roof over our heads. At times I yelled and got into fights with you. Even being selfish at times and I am sorry about that. Verbal arguments, but to tell you it wasn't your fault, it was mine. I apologize for that on my behalf. There were moments of tough times, but you did a good job. I can not ask any more from you. I am going to make it up to you and my grandparents in due time. I promise.

To my other father who was in my life for a little bit of time. You were never a father to me. You left me and my mother behind. Although, you failed. One day you will see my success and wish you didn't throw me away. Throw me away like a used toy that a kid does not want to play with anymore. You tried to break my spirit, but failed. It's okay though, over time you will come to regret your decisions.

I refuse to fail and I refuse to not try my best. I will make my dreams come true. I will accomplish my goals. It's alright though cause i'm doing everything now that you wish you would have done. I hope to see you again in my lifetime. I will be a better man than you ever would be. Hard work and dedication brought me here. I continue down this road; the road to greatness.

Father, you couldn't teach me how to ride a bike, but I learned. You didn't teach me how to shave, but I figured it out. You were absent to teach me how to be a man, but I learned. You were absent to teach me how to act, but I learned. Father, you have not seen me working at a restaurant till two am. You have not seen me working till three or four am doing homework and studying at college. I continue to be a humble man and I thank God every day for being healthy and living.

Who knows though father, we will see each other again possibly. Where we can have a full on conversation. I am not angry at you and I hope to see you again. Because of you, I have figured out my love of writing. Writing brings me ease and alleviates my pain. It brings me joy and stability. In my bright future, I will graduate from college with a degree in writing and journalism. Next, I will go to law school and become an attorney. In due time, everything heals. I cling to this because hope is a great thing to have. Through all of this, all the hardships, I have come to peace with myself. I have accepted what has happened and I am not mad. I cling to hope because it is needed in this cruel world. Hope is what has kept me going. Father, we will see each other again.

Over my whole life I have come to grip with the situation and have discovered countless revelations. Certain revelations I never have thought I would think and even find out about. There are a lot of things you don't know about me and there is an abundance of things you have missed in my lifetime. In this life I have shed blood, sweat, and tears. You weren't there to see me graduate high school as I walked down the runway. You weren't there to see me at my high school football games. You were not there to see me get through some of college. You even weren't there to see me accept rewards from my church and school. More importantly, you weren't around to see me struggle through adversity and help support myself and my mother. I regret nothing that has occurred, I embrace it. The truth is that I have realized I do not want you to ever be involved in my life. I am certain about one thing though, you would be proud to see the man I have become. A man like you, but not like you at the same time. This is from your son, who is not a little boy anymore, but a man.

Cover Image Credit: Facebook

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An Open Letter to the Best Friend I Didn't See Coming

Some people come into your life and change you forever—thanks, bestie.

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I wasn't expecting you when God placed you in my life. I had my friends. I had my people. I wasn't exactly open to the idea of new meaningful friendships because I had the ones I needed, and it didn't seem like I really needed anybody new.

Thank God that was false. Sometimes you meet people and you just know that you're going to be good friends with. Sometimes you meet people and you realize that there is no such thing as chance. I think God has a funny way of making it seem as if the things that happen to us are by chance, but honestly, that’s a load of crap. If the biggest moments of our lives were left up to chance, then I believe that would make God out to seem as if he didn’t care. It would make it seem as if He was truly abandoning me and making me face some of my most important seasons fully isolated. But you, best friend, are a true testament to the fact that God doesn’t just leave such important aspects up to chance. Thank you for taking a chance on our friendship, and thank you for allowing me to take a chance on what I didn’t realize would be the most impactful friendship in my entire life.

Thank you for being real with me. Thank you for not sugar coating things. Thank you for telling me when I have a bad attitude. Thank you for loving me through my mistakes. Thank you for supporting me in my decisions, even if it isn’t always the decision you would make. Thank you for wanting the best for me, and for making that your true intent behind the words that you say to me, whether they be constructive criticism or encouragement.

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You’re one of a kind. You’re a shoulder to lean on. You’re a safe place. You’re a free spirit. You’re rough and tough, but your heart melts for the people you love and it’s obvious. You’re more than meets the eye. You are worth getting to know. You are worth loving. You pursue people. You are passionate about your future. You are everything that a person needs, and I really thank God that for some reason you continue to choose to be in my life. Thank you for literally dragging me up my mountains of fear when I want to stay exactly where I am at and wallow in the sadness. You bring joy—true joy—wherever you go. You are my best friend, confidant, and biggest fan. You will be the Maid of Honor, Godmother, and fun Aunt.

I used to think lifelong friendships weren’t really a thing. It just seemed like people always grew apart and forever was never a point that was attainable. Best friends forever is a cliché phrase that is continuously overused nowadays (sometimes, I even used to make light of it), but thanks for making that a reality. You are truly the best friend I could have asked for. So thank you for it all. You make life more fun, and I couldn’t thank God more for making an incredible human, friends with me.

I love you, pal!


Cover Image Credit: Julia Dee Qualls

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Thank You, Momma

When I was just a baby, she took me in as her own and loved me like I was hers.


Thank You, Momma.

Everyone hears about the moms that are the best friends, the evil parents, the quiet ones, the overprotective ones, and so on. Well, my mom is the best mother I could've met and asked for.

"Met?" you may be asking. Yes, met. When I was just a baby, she took me in as her own and loved me like I was hers. When I was 16, she finally adopted me and I was SO happy. Here I am, 19 years old, living my best life, and it's all because of her. It's truly been an experience that only I can fully understand.

Thank you, momma, for everything. Thank you for being my very best friend and showing me what life is like being a truly independent woman. You're the greatest thing to have walked into my life and brought me so many amazing people in it with you. With your help, I have become the person I am today and know that I am doing the right thing following my dreams. You always told me to be myself and do what makes me happy, and here I am still cheering and dancing like I always have, doing the things I love. Not only are you my mom but my best friend and #1 fan too. I love you so so much momma!!

"I'm glad that in God's design he had it so my path crossed yours"

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