Words My Father Will Never Understand

Words My Father Will Never Understand

Adversity transformed me into a man, I love and miss you father.

Father, I can forgive you for hitting my mother. I can forgive you for hitting my grandmother. I can even forgive you more importantly for leaving me behind. Furthermore, I can forgive you for not being involved in my life.

My father was always moving around between both Greece and America. My mother and grandparents are the ones who raised me for the majority of my life. Without them, I have no idea where I would be right now. Possibly behind a dumpster or somewhere on the street. My father loved me or so has been said. You left me though at times to go back to Greece, for what reasons I do not understand. Even though my mother does not like to acknowledge that you left us. In truth, you did. My father hated America with every fiber of his being. He hated the "Land of Opportunity." I can not comprehend why you did though.

I have vague glimpses of being with you as a child. One late night it was close to Christmas time as snow began lightly sprinkling onto the ground. I was drinking a high glass of Eggnog. We had a big green tree in the living room with many beautiful ornaments. A town sat below the tree. I stared out the window thinking of you. You came into the house filled with presents for me. A plethora of gifts. My father embraced everyone who was there. You picked me up and I sat on your lap hugging you. I held you so tight, not wanting you to leave me. Of course, I looked up to your face as you had a great big smile on your face. I wish you would have been more like that person. Father, you were a hero to me then, but it was too bad you had to turn into the wicked guy, the villain. People change. Our society looks on the model of being a hero or a villain quite frequently.

My favorite hero of all time is Spider-man. I have hundreds of collections of the comic books. I have seen every single movie and some shows on television. The reason I love Spider-man so much is because his dad was not involved in his life that much and his grandparents raised him. It sounds very familiar to my situation. Peter Parker overcomes hardships and fights crime. He becomes a man. At times he misses his father, like me. Although, he also misses his uncle who dies a horrible death.

Father, I don't mean to criticize you harshly but you used people. The fact of the matter is that you were not a good person. You were a scam. You used my grandparents home as a place to stay for free and in return didn't contribute anything. Moreover, you did not do anything in your life but drink it away. When you did drink, you transformed into an animal. Someone nobody knew at all, unrecognizable. Instead of smashing bottles, you should have been working or better yet chasing an education. In reality, you could have done great things, you were an intelligent man who worked well. But you choose that other life. You chose to go down that other path.

Many times when I am at my grandparents home, I and my grandpa sit on the front steps of the house, just chatting away. Sitting down at the front steps with my grandpa, he would tell me of all the horrible things you did dad. It hurt to hear these numerous true claims. This was one of many talks I would have with my grandpa as we stare at the bare street. We look on having our world famous talks. As we look up at the airplanes that pass by and the clouds. My grandfather is a very wise man who has also taught me a vast amount about life. He worked very diligently in his life working at both motor vehicle and Shoprite. My grandpa also owned his own shoe store that I would visit many times. He is an embodiment that the American Dream still does exist. My grandfather raised a family in America, leaving Greece. Both of my grandparents worked hard and they raised me since I was a little boy. I owe them. My grandpa has taken the role of being my father in some ways. I look up to my grandfather.

The matter of the fact is you could have possibly made it in America. Particularly, you did not even try. You had a good job doing construction but after a couple of days quit for no apparent reason, never returning. Addiction is really a horrible thing and you were addicted to the temptation and tight embrace of the liquor. Anything you could get your hands on, it didn't matter what it was. Hiding the liquor would not help, you would always be able to find it. Even if you couldn't find it, you would walk out and buy a bottle. The bottles were more important than me and my mother it seems. Deep inside you could not control the beast, you could not control your temptations. I do not blame you though, you needed help severely and never obtained it. I still feel to this day that you should have gotten help. My father loved drinking bottles of whiskey down in one night. I'm sure it burned as it went down. I know many other people in this world are alcoholics sadly. Whoever has this issue should greatly receive help.

After you left me and my mother to go to Greece, something detrimental really occurred. Something out of the ordinary, something vicious and unrelenting. I was so young that I do not remember what went on and what my reaction was. My father had a deadly car accident. He was driving drunk and got hit by a police car. The police officer being drunk as well. There is still a mystery of what happened on that day. A lot of people did despise you and you did piss them off. Did the police officer hit you when you were down? Or did you get into a fight afterward? I will never get the answers to these questions, hopefully in the afterlife. The accident left my father a wreck and even worse paralyzed from the waist down. My father was not one who liked to wear a seat belt. He also was the one who liked to speed. Additionally, he was in a coma for about a year or so. But, you managed to wake up through it all. Through all the pain and suffering. My mom had told me you were a strong man. Although, you would use your strength for deadly purposes. Beating people up, striking people, letting your rage out.

I can see that rage in myself, but I am able to control it. As a rule, I never want to be like you ever in my life. Admittedly, I will look like you with my black hair and facial hair. But, I will never be like you and end up like you did. I refuse to throw my life away like you have already. I always thought to myself, why me? Why my father? Why does this happen to my family? I have realized though that other people have it even worse than me. Some don't even know their own father or have one. Some people live in foster homes, not having anyone. My heart goes out to these individuals. Long nights I stayed up thinking about the whole situation as I sat in my bed alone in the dark. I swept the covers and blankets over my head. God could have made this happen to protect me and my mother. God could have made this happen for me to be a better man and for me to be safe. He could have done it even so I could become strong. There are certain claims that bad things happen to good people because it is a test. The lower evil wants to see the greatest or strongest ones fall. Who knows what would have happened with you still around. He could have taken me away to Greece. Or even worse, hit my mother around some more or my grandparents. Or you could be spending all our money that we earn on your booze.

The one thing I didn't gain from you was your six feet tall height. What makes us different though is our heart and minds. Due to the condition you are in now, you will not be able to understand these words that I write.

I have gained many life lessons from you. That I will never leave my child behind like you have. I will never drink my life away like you did and get into mass amounts of trouble. With you out of my life, my grandparents raised me right and my mother. I went to church weekly and prayed and prayed. I stayed out of trouble and many have told me i'm a good kid. I have helped others. With you out of my life, I was able to prosper and grow. Father, I have become an amazing person.

There are a lot of things you have not seen though. With you out of my life, you have not seen the struggle and adversity I have had to go through without you. All that adversity made me strong and turned me into a man. From being bullied, not having money, to at times being very sad. At times I would have to sacrifice and give away money I was making to give to my mother to pay for rent. Giving money to get food and clothes. Giving money to have absolute necessary things. I looked at other people's fathers, wishing I had one. In reality though I have learned that I don't need a father.

Father, I have many ambitions and goals set for myself. I understand that hard work and dedication is needed to obtain success. Something you really had no idea about. I hope and I work towards raising my family up from nothing. I dream of making it big and having my name known by many. I dream of wearing a nice suit with a tie walking down wall street. All I want to do is buy my mother a house and a car. Buy my grandparents whatever they want. I want to help my own. Because of you, I have understood all of this.

I can remember a time about four years ago in my homeland of Greece. The place where I was born. I can remember a dreadful moment of seeing you for the first time. The first time I got to see you that I can remember, you confined to a wheelchair. This happened to you being only about twenty something years old. The accident robbed you of your youth and happiness. Now you are in your forties living a barren and wasted life. I saw the wrinkles on your face and the sad smirk on it. Ordinarily, I saw the many noticeable gray hairs that were on your hair, I got them too. I stare into your brown sad eyes. I went up to you not knowing what to say at all. But neither did you. My mother talks to Greek to you saying "This is your son, Andreas." For a while you can not make that clear connection. Your brain struggles for control. My mother speaks on "I'm your ex wife, Evangelia." He looks confused, perplexed, but when he heard my name, he smiled. I gave you a hug and walked away. It still pains me to have witnessed that exact moment. My father was alive and breathing. He was not the same person though, he was dead in a sense already. Your memory now a clean slate. You were a once strong man, and now you are a weak, hopeless nobody. It did not have to be that way though.

My mother really got the short end of the stick on this dilemma. My mother has been through a lot in her lifetime. I thank her and applaud her for raising me and it was very difficult at times. We have had plenty of disagreements, but in my heart you know that I love you dearly. I look up to you and you did a great job being both a mother and somewhat of a father. Mother, you have given me all that I have ever wanted. You worked very hard working nine to five jobs to help me and keep a roof over our heads. At times I yelled and got into fights with you. Even being selfish at times and I am sorry about that. Verbal arguments, but to tell you it wasn't your fault, it was mine. I apologize for that on my behalf. There were moments of tough times, but you did a good job. I can not ask any more from you. I am going to make it up to you and my grandparents in due time. I promise.

To my other father who was in my life for a little bit of time. You were never a father to me. You left me and my mother behind. Although, you failed. One day you will see my success and wish you didn't throw me away. Throw me away like a used toy that a kid does not want to play with anymore. You tried to break my spirit, but failed. It's okay though, over time you will come to regret your decisions.

I refuse to fail and I refuse to not try my best. I will make my dreams come true. I will accomplish my goals. It's alright though cause i'm doing everything now that you wish you would have done. I hope to see you again in my lifetime. I will be a better man than you ever would be. Hard work and dedication brought me here. I continue down this road; the road to greatness.

Father, you couldn't teach me how to ride a bike, but I learned. You didn't teach me how to shave, but I figured it out. You were absent to teach me how to be a man, but I learned. You were absent to teach me how to act, but I learned. Father, you have not seen me working at a restaurant till two am. You have not seen me working till three or four am doing homework and studying at college. I continue to be a humble man and I thank God every day for being healthy and living.

Who knows though father, we will see each other again possibly. Where we can have a full on conversation. I am not angry at you and I hope to see you again. Because of you, I have figured out my love of writing. Writing brings me ease and alleviates my pain. It brings me joy and stability. In my bright future, I will graduate from college with a degree in writing and journalism. Next, I will go to law school and become an attorney. In due time, everything heals. I cling to this because hope is a great thing to have. Through all of this, all the hardships, I have come to peace with myself. I have accepted what has happened and I am not mad. I cling to hope because it is needed in this cruel world. Hope is what has kept me going. Father, we will see each other again.

Over my whole life I have come to grip with the situation and have discovered countless revelations. Certain revelations I never have thought I would think and even find out about. There are a lot of things you don't know about me and there is an abundance of things you have missed in my lifetime. In this life I have shed blood, sweat, and tears. You weren't there to see me graduate high school as I walked down the runway. You weren't there to see me at my high school football games. You were not there to see me get through some of college. You even weren't there to see me accept rewards from my church and school. More importantly, you weren't around to see me struggle through adversity and help support myself and my mother. I regret nothing that has occurred, I embrace it. The truth is that I have realized I do not want you to ever be involved in my life. I am certain about one thing though, you would be proud to see the man I have become. A man like you, but not like you at the same time. This is from your son, who is not a little boy anymore, but a man.

Cover Image Credit: Facebook

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15 Things You Realize As Your Baby Brother Grows Up

No matter how old he gets, he will always be your baby brother.

Despite the fistfights and days of locking each other out of the house, a little brother is one of the biggest blessings you can receive. Most sisters can agree that they probably bossed their brothers around a lot when they were younger (and probably still do). Most sisters have also most likely forced their brothers to participate in many games that were only enjoyable for one party (baby dolls, house, dress up, etc.)

As a little brother grows up, you start to realize a lot of things as they become your lifelong best friend. Here are 15 of them:

1. He will outgrow you

Even though you were once able to beat him in a wrestling match, and have a fair game of tag, as you get older, he begins to pass you up in size and you realize it probably isn't in your best interest to pick a fight.

2. Teenage boy sass is a real thing

So many times, girls get a bad rep for the teenage phase, but let me tell you, teenage boys have just as much sass if not more than the average hormonal girl. But you also realize that you will get through it, and he is still your sweet brother somewhere deep, deep down.

3. He will go through a phase when he is too cool for you

Your whole life you have been used to your little brother looking up to you and wanting to be just like you and do all the things you do. This probably really annoyed you at some point too and I know I found the words "stop copying me" coming out of my mouth a lot. Don't wish it away, enjoy these times because there hits a point where he will want to do their own thing for a while.

4. He will begin to form his own opinions, and he is actually really smart

He still looks up to you, but there comes a time when he actually starts to contradict and challenge your opinions, and his arguments are surprisingly really good. You learn a lot from your little brother, so start listening to what they have to say sometimes.

5. No girl will ever be good enough for him

When he brings a girl home, you can't help but judge everything about her (no pressure) because to you, no girl will match up to his awesomeness. You know you are annoying, over-controlling, and overly judgmental, but you can't help it, he is your baby brother after all.

6. Regardless of how old or big he gets, if anyone messes with him, you will "beat them up"

I am not a fighter, but somehow anytime someone messes with my little brother, I get the ego of Muhammed Ali and believe that I can beat anyone up. Even now that he has outgrown me by about six inches and 50 pounds and is definitely a lot stronger than me, I still threaten to protect him because for some reason I feel like I can defend him better than he can himself. If anyone shoves him on the soccer field or says something mean to him at school, all of the sudden the big sister is the most intimidating and feisty little 5'4" girl there is out there.

7. He has your back

The once quiet and shy boy you outspoke as a child is not afraid to stand up for you. Even if he knows you're wrong, he is just as protective of you as you are of him and he will always be there for you whether you need a shoulder to cry on, you've had a fight with your friends and need someone to talk to, or a guy blows you off and you just need dairy queen and a movie night.

8. People will think he is your boyfriend and vice versa

As little kids, you were obviously the big sister, but now that he has outgrown you, hit puberty and matured, people mistake him as your boyfriend all the time. When you go to dinner and get the "you are such a cute couple" comment, you can't help but laugh.

9. All of his academic success is obviously all thanks to you

All the days you forced him to play "school" with you and tried to teach him everything you knew paid off because he actually knows what he is doing now. You're welcome.

10. Every year he turns another year older, you freak out because you remember how old you felt when you were his age, and it is not possible for him to be that old

No, no, no. He is little. He cannot drive just because he is 16. That is scary. [Only you were mature enough and ready to drive at 16.] There is no way that he is already 18 and can vote. You will never get used to the fact that he is growing up at the same pace as you are.

11. He is the one person who defies your theory that you are never wrong

He always has your best interests in mind, so if he disapproves of a guy, or questions a choice you are making, he is most likely right, just listen to him. Seriously, it will save you time in the future.

12. You will always worry about him

Yes, you are annoying and you know he can handle himself, but the thought of him ever getting hurt kills you. Every time he goes out or takes a risk, you worry about him. However, you also know and trust that he is smart and makes good choices, and if he ever doesn't, you will always be here to save the day, duh!

13. You are his biggest fan

And you are absolutely obnoxious at sporting games and other events. You are the first person to yell at the referee when he gets fouled and the loudest person screaming when he scores a goal. You also find yourself bragging about him to your friends because you are just so proud, and you taught him everything he knows (duh again).

14. He is your best friend

You can tell him anything and he can tell you anything. You guys have a pact and he won't tell your secrets. He's your person, and you have come to find out that he actually gives great advice when you give him the chance to talk.

15. No matter how old he gets, he will always be your baby brother

No matter how old my brother gets, we still say "I love you" every night and he will always be my little baby brother who I watch over and protect, always. I know I have a lifelong best friend who I can lean on during hard times, and celebrate with when the times are good. Bless up.

Special shoutout to my baby brother, Luke, for teaching me so much about myself and always being there for me.

Cover Image Credit: Author's photo

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To The Single Mom Who Raised Me, I Am Strong Because Of You

She brought me into this world and has definitely threatened to take me out.


Without my mom, I don't know who I would be today. She has taught me many lessons but I believe the most important was to create my own independence and never depend on a spouse to take care of me. My mother went back to school when I was a young girl and thankfully we had my grandparents to help my mom raise me while she did school full time and worked two jobs.

My mom left a situation that she knew was not safe nor healthy for either of us and even though I did not understand why until I was older, I'm thankful that she did. I used to resent her for what she did but it wasn't until I was old enough to know and understand that I saw why and I felt terrible for blaming everything on her for years and years.

Even though we have our differences, my mom will always be my best friend and number one fan. We have differing views and opinions but that is because she taught me to be a free thinker and have an independent mindset. She taught me how to cook more homemade dishes than one could dream of and was proof that God works miracles. My mom is my best friend and without her, I don't know how I could ever make it through this life. There are many things we don't agree upon but in the end, we put that aside and love each other anyway.

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