I've been yapping about this for months now (which you would know if you followed me here), and it's about time I stopped being such a striptease and get right to it. The following admission does not come lightly.

I am a former thief.

I've yet to see the inside of Rikers Island. Or felt Mother Deer's phallus approaching my prone body there (Google him; legend has it, quite a few prisoners there have "felt" him in that way. But not while conscious). No, my caper was more of the Pee-Wee Herman, accidental vibe. In 2012, I was sauntering through the cold, lump of unimaginative rock that is New York Penn Station, for no particular reason. And with no destination whatsoever in mind.

While minding my own, I ended up walking past a scruffy man in a wifebeater and hitchhiker clothes at the Wells Fargo bank. He was stranded, and apparently needed some assistance returning to Maine from this derelict city. Problem was, he needed to cash his $409.00 check, but didn't have a bank account. As luck would have it, my naive ass did. Guess my "stranger danger" warning lamp blew out that day. And the lamp that reminded me that he could've gone to Western Union.

So, of course, I cashed his check with my account. It as grimy looking as a New Jack City set prop; and I withdrew the $200 he said he needed from the check to get back home – he promised me I could keep the rest as a "thank you."

Well, days later, that Maine Man turned out to be a scam man. My checking account went from a healthy $250 to -$409. The check bounced.

I'd been had, and there was no way to find this guy and ram my fist down his throat. He could've been one of those Euro, sophisticated con men who dress unsophisticated as hell with fake American accents to scam people, and made his way to his Canadian villa after conning me.

Chase caught on quickly, too. They kept on sending back the check, which should've been a clue that it was dirtier than the Gowanus Canal. I knew that I couldn't possibly pay back the $400+ I owed, and I couldn't borrow money from anyone to pay it off.

So I did the greatest thing of all time that I could do... at that time. I took that damn check, deposited it in my Chase account, withdrew the $409.00, and used it to open a new account with a credit union. So, yes, I knowingly cashed a tainted check. And yes, I took money from JP Morgan. But in my defense, they've surely stolen millions more from the common man and woman. In a way, I was playing Peter Pan, though I gave none of it to any poor folks.

Anyways, Chase eventually closed my account down and reported me to Chexsystems. That's the naughty list 95% of banks in the U.S. consult before choosing whether or not to open an account for you. Effectively, I closed myself out of these locations for the five-year-period you remain on Chexsystems.

I've since paid off the cash I owed Chase, and opened a second-chance banking account. And I should be getting off Chex this year. But my tale should be fair warning to all of you out there. Never trust a strange man who wants you to cash his checks... unless he's wearing a Deadpool suit. Then, not only should you trust him, but check to see where the hidden cameras are while you guys break the fourth wall together.