I thought back in high school I was in love, but that was young love. I suppose anyone could feel love for a person. But to be emotionally, physically, and mentally involved with someone wholeheartedly, that to me, is love.

My first love, well I still think about him, more occasionally than my second. The forming of our relationship was slow, but sweet. It took us a while to date and even longer to say I love you. I knew instantly though, that I loved him. I knew that he would be different to me than any other boy was and would be. How we told each other may have not been a fairy tale or let alone romantic, but its still special to hear it for the first time. I asked him one night if he loved me and he told me that he wasn't there yet. A few days passed and he told me that he lied to me. He lied when he said he didn't love me, that he did and even more than love, was in love with me. You can feel the difference with a relationship and two people when love starts to evolve. He knew everything about me, things I was even afraid to tell some of the people closest to me. He knew every scar, heartache, milestone and goals I've endeavored in life and I knew all of his. He made me feel more wanted and cared for than anyone else has in my entire life, that I was worthy. It was a special relationship to me, but as easily as a heart can love, it can break. He was my first heartbreak. Tear jerking, heart hurting, cant breathe, cant eat, so lost and confused kind of heart break. I never thought that I would be able to let someone in and let my heart love again, but with time, it did.

Sometimes things happen that you don't see coming or expect, that's what happened with my second love. As fast as the relationship started it was just as fast to end. This was a different kind of love. Everything in that relationship happened so fast. When we first said I love you, it was just a quick thing, something like you hear everyday and was part of your routine. Our relationship had more downers than uppers, more than I would like to admit. It seemed like we were fighting to keep something together that was fighting to fall apart. I was confused as to why, if I was in love, I was feeling all these different emotions. Why I was fighting myself to stay everyday. Why did someone I love so much make me feel so worthless? Five months into the relationship, he asked me to marry him. I was excited, I thought this could change things with us, that things would be better and that I was worth something to him to want to spend the rest of his life with me. Of course the good days didn't last long. I was someone that he wanted to change, someone he wanted to tweak so I would be a walking, talking, thoughtless robot that would do whatever he wanted. I found myself unhappy and falling out of love with every aspect in my life. My job, my family, my friends, him, and more importantly, myself, to where I eventually ended up leaving.

Relationships and love aren't easy. I was in love with two different types of men, so I experienced two different types of love. I learned more about myself out of both of them and I know how I want to be treated and what kind of love I want to experience. I felt heartache in both relationships, one more than the other. I heard there are three types of loves you have in your life. The first is a young love, whether it be in your teens or young adult. The second love is a love that teaches us tough lessons the hard way, and the third love is a love we never imagined that we could have or saw coming, and that's something that has given me a little bit of hope to still believe in love.

I still have hope.