My Trans Realization Was Hard, But I Learned To Love Myself And Being A Woman
Start writing a post

My Trans Realization Was Hard, But I Learned To Love Myself And Being A Woman

I Enjoy Being a Girl!

My Trans Realization Was Hard, But I Learned To Love Myself And Being A Woman

I am 24 years old. I am also a transwoman. That last identity marker has come to be the focal point my overall identity. I identify as a woman as do my legal documents, but I also identify as trans- the umbrella term for all transgender and trans-related identities. Being a trans person is a unique living experience few others are privileged to experience. This living experience is marked with both happiness and heartbreak, a blessing and a curse.

As a young child, I did not realize something was wrong. In fact, I never felt wrong, I felt myself- until my mannerisms and behavior started isolating me from my peers. I did not see a big deal with having a greater interest in girl clothing versus boy clothing. But I did learn that wasn't allowed because of the rigid gender binary system deeply ingrained in American culture and society. I didn't see it as big deal that I liked both barbies and action figures. I liked playing with boys and girls. I wish I had the word "transgender" in my K-12 school vocabulary. If I did know, then I might not have lived with so much anxiety, confusion and depression stemming from my dysphoria.

If I knew that word before, maybe I would have seen a therapist earlier than last year to diagnose my gender dysphoric anxieties. Because of my "feminine" mannerisms, I struggled dealing with gay rumors in middle school and high school. A few students in my seventh grade class even passed around a book with an image of the female anatomy. Because I did not want to look at a vagina, they deduced I was gay- the only logical explanation right? Whatever.

I tried my best to ignore them, but they kept coming back and back again. Friends would tell me they heard rumors, I would stifle my tears and hide it. I tried to not look at boys I had crushes on in the hallways. I tried to make it seem I still liked girls, which I did. But I also liked boys too. I quietly confessed to myself that I must be bisexual finding both men and women attractive. But that only temporarily mitigated my growing assigned-gender anxiety. I chose to ignore and bury all of that for the next few years. I graduated high school without a single sexual or romantic experience- that left me feeling like I would never find someone to love me for whomever I am. Even though I graduated five years ago, those thoughts of isolation still linger with me.

In my junior college years, I began to look into myself. I asked, "if people keep accusing me of being a girl, then I must be." The idea of being born a girl started appealing greatly to me. As time went on, I kept wishing and wishing I could be born back in time as the opposite gender. I believed my life would be so much easier. I didn't want to wear male clothing anymore. I wanted to wear dresses, skirts, shorts, high heeled boots and stilettos, makeup, and have long, pretty hair.

The summer after beginning my undergrad program at U.C. Davis, I finally told myself to go see a therapist. My family's longtime provider-Kaiser Permanente- referred to a gender therapist in a special clinic in the Bay Area for individuals like me. The day I met my therapist, I told him of my feelings and confusion. He validated my confusion and thoughts- he assured me I wasn't crazy, that I was human. Followed by a few more sessions, he brought me to the conclusion that I was trans- I was not born into the body that my mind identifies with. I did not want to continue living as a man, I wanted to be a woman. I had to.

I do not regret my transition. I learned to love myself anew and began a new living experience. Some of the most affirming things I see and hear include traditional displays of chivalry: men opening the door for me, women telling me they like my shoes, fashion, or makeup, and in general, people coming up to me to say "You're pretty." I enjoy being a girl!

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
the beatles
Wikipedia Commons

For as long as I can remember, I have been listening to The Beatles. Every year, my mom would appropriately blast “Birthday” on anyone’s birthday. I knew all of the words to “Back In The U.S.S.R” by the time I was 5 (Even though I had no idea what or where the U.S.S.R was). I grew up with John, Paul, George, and Ringo instead Justin, JC, Joey, Chris and Lance (I had to google N*SYNC to remember their names). The highlight of my short life was Paul McCartney in concert twice. I’m not someone to “fangirl” but those days I fangirled hard. The music of The Beatles has gotten me through everything. Their songs have brought me more joy, peace, and comfort. I can listen to them in any situation and find what I need. Here are the best lyrics from The Beatles for every and any occasion.

Keep Reading...Show less
Being Invisible The Best Super Power

The best superpower ever? Being invisible of course. Imagine just being able to go from seen to unseen on a dime. Who wouldn't want to have the opportunity to be invisible? Superman and Batman have nothing on being invisible with their superhero abilities. Here are some things that you could do while being invisible, because being invisible can benefit your social life too.

Keep Reading...Show less

19 Lessons I'll Never Forget from Growing Up In a Small Town

There have been many lessons learned.

houses under green sky
Photo by Alev Takil on Unsplash

Small towns certainly have their pros and cons. Many people who grow up in small towns find themselves counting the days until they get to escape their roots and plant new ones in bigger, "better" places. And that's fine. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought those same thoughts before too. We all have, but they say it's important to remember where you came from. When I think about where I come from, I can't help having an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for my roots. Being from a small town has taught me so many important lessons that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

Keep Reading...Show less
​a woman sitting at a table having a coffee

I can't say "thank you" enough to express how grateful I am for you coming into my life. You have made such a huge impact on my life. I would not be the person I am today without you and I know that you will keep inspiring me to become an even better version of myself.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Waitlisted for a College Class? Here's What to Do!

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

college students waiting in a long line in the hallway

Course registration at college can be a big hassle and is almost never talked about. Classes you want to take fill up before you get a chance to register. You might change your mind about a class you want to take and must struggle to find another class to fit in the same time period. You also have to make sure no classes clash by time. Like I said, it's a big hassle.

This semester, I was waitlisted for two classes. Most people in this situation, especially first years, freak out because they don't know what to do. Here is what you should do when this happens.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments