Something I have always struggled with is the concept of selfishness. When is it OK to be selfish? When is it inappropriate? What does it even mean, and where is the line drawn? It is always a very hard idea to grasp, because as humans we are taught to always put others before ourselves.

I have decided, in my life, to always put myself first. Not in a way that will defeat others, but more so in a way that will help myself grow and heal as a person. Once I am able to allow myself to grow, that is when I can go ahead and help others. There is nothing I love more than the satisfaction of putting a smile on someone else’s face, and that is never going to change. But the point of the matter is that making someone else smile is almost impossible unless I, myself, am smiling as well.

Being selfish has a negative connotation that makes one feel snobby and entitled. It shouldn’t be that way. Being selfish, in my eyes, is being confident, persistent, and in charge of yourself. It is knowing the right time to do certain things, and the right time to not. It is being one step ahead and always considering the possible outcomes, and how that will affect your own life above all. Life is unexpected, and being conscious of what can hurt or help you is something that should always be top of mind.

I have struggled with this concept of selfishness the most in my life over the past couple of years. I have suffered so much in the past three years, especially these past two months, that I am left questioning the world and why things happen. I have always had faith, strength, and overwhelming optimism that our universe is good and isn’t out to get us. I believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason. But how, especially now, am I supposed to hold onto these beliefs? And with that said, how am I supposed to go ahead and put someone else before myself? The answer is I can’t. I am the most important person in my life, and I need to put myself first if I am ever going to make it out of this period of darkness and uncertainty. I am going to be selfish because that is the only way I will survive.

I am going to continue to try and fill this scary world with as much light as I am capable. I am going to continue to help others and make them smile. I am going to continue to try and lift other’s spirits, and provide them with a reason to put themselves first as well.