I had a drug addiction and I still struggle with it today.
It is not a typical drug and that is the reason why this addiction is so hard. Most people don't see caffeine as a drug, including me. It is this naivety that eventually consumed me. I once laughed at such a thing as a caffeine addiction. I now start tearing up, reminded of the physical and mental toll it took on me.
Last quarter, Spring 2016, I became a caffeine addict. It started when I was only getting four hours of sleep per night and working non-stop. I filled my plate up so much that it started to crack. It was caffeine that became the glue that made me persevere.
Before I knew it, I was consuming around ten shots of espresso per day. I started planning my schedule around times I can get coffee. I had to have a cup every couple of hours or I couldn't function. This craving got to the point where it was a need, not a want. Even with the copious amount I drank, I felt like I needed more.
This went on for weeks. My roommate refused to buy me coffee because she didn't want to enable me. At the time, I felt betrayed because I refused that I had an addiction. Even when I came to realize that I needed to stop, I refused to.
If I tried to cut back on the caffeine, I couldn't focus. My mind became blank in class and my academics started to slip. Ergo, I drank coffee so I can keep my GPA. I also started to have major headaches to the point where I needed to take Advil and drink coffee to relieve them. It became a torturous cycle.
The worst part is that it got to the point where I was not myself without it. People started asking what was wrong with me, they said that I was not myself anymore. I became distant. I became aloof. I became a different person entirely. People started drifting away and at that time, I had no idea why. It wasn't until now that I realize the true psychological toll it took on me.
I am still scared. I still crave the caffeine. To be honest, I am drinking coffee right now as I am writing this. Ironic, huh? I'm afraid that I will start the spiral again. I know I will accept this addiction, forgetting my previous experience.
Caffeine abuses me and I abuse it. I'm sorry for everything.
