I’m not dead, but I often wonder if I am really alive. I hear the questions, are you OK, and what’s wrong, multiple times a week and sometimes days. Most of the time I answer those questions with a simple I’m fine and shrug it off or change the subject because sometimes I don’t even know the answer; sometimes I do and I just don’t want to talk about it. I don’t really know which is harder, not knowing the answer or knowing it and not being able to talk about it.

A lot of times I wonder if there is something wrong with me; if this is something I can change or if this is just who I am and who I always will be. I, along with most the people I have talked to, would say that I have clinical depression. I say most because I have never been clinically diagnosed but I have spoken to counselors who believe I do suffer from clinical depression, considering I have also felt this way most of my life I can only believe that it’s true.

I don’t know for certain what is wrong with me, if there is, but I do know that most of it sucks. Don’t get me wrong, not every day of my life is like this; I do have times when I am this happy-go-lucky type of person but for the most part I like to consider myself dark and twisty inside like Meredith Grey. Try to imagine waking up one day and you just lay there, you have no energy even though you just slept for ten hours. Your body feels heavy like someone is holding you there. You don’t panic, you just succumb to the darkness and you lay there, motionless and emotionless. You think about the things you have to do but then you remember that you have no desire because right now you just need to be in bed and stare at the ceiling for a while. I think to myself, I’m still alive, I’m not dead, but I feel like I am nothing. I feel like I am invisible and wonder that if I am quiet enough if everyone would forget I’m even here because sometimes I do.

It’s not all depressing, a lot of the times I like the stillness of it all. I forget for a little that there is a world out there full of hate and terrible things, full of unfulfilling jobs and grumpy people who hate their lives. I forget about the worries I have, the fact that I haven’t gotten much further with my priorities than I did two months ago. I forget that I have bills to pay and a job that barely covers them. I forget it all and everything becomes nonexistent in my mind, so that means I am dead, right?

Wrong, I am alive and I am very aware of that; at least I am right now. These dark moments can make me feel otherwise and I often wonder how many other people there are in the world who feel exactly the same way I do. I would love to know if there were because I am so tired of trying to explain how I feel to people who will never understand, that in itself is exhausting. I have tried to help as many people I can throughout my life so that they wouldn’t feel the same way I do, I try to remind them that they aren’t alone and there are others out there going through the same thing. Although I do this to give people light, I can’t help but wonder if I am just making them feel worse. They say misery loves company, so am I just dragging them into my own or am I actually helping?

Depression, or whatever this is, sucks. I hate this feeling but I can’t seem to stick with a counselor in order to fix it. As soon as something disrupts the rhythm I stop going. So then I wonder again, what is wrong with me? I hate making other people feel like crap over something that I can’t control, and I hate that I am just as miserable as I’m probably making them, but I can’t escape it. It is always there somewhere, hiding and waiting for the perfect moment to snatch me away again. I feel trapped in my own body, I can’t escape the feelings, the thoughts, and then the complete lack thereof. I will have moments in time when my brain won’t give me a single moment to stop; I will think about everything I can and sometimes it will be on repeat and I will think of it from start to finish until my brain turns to something else. When it does this, the constant cycle of new things and repeated things, I can almost understand where addicts are born because it is so incredibly hard to make it stop. I bite my nails, I clench my jaw, I bounce my foot, anything and everything you can think of. Then again I get snatched back up and I feel nothing. In my hours of darkness I can sit and stare into oblivion and not have a single care in the world. You could most likely tell me something really terrible and I probably wouldn’t flinch. I’m not always just sitting and staring during these moments because I, like anyone else, have things to do. I go to work, run errands, and everything else you would do on a daily basis but that doesn’t mean I am really there. I might be physically but mentally my brain is shut off.

The question comes back, am I dead? Who could be living and feel nothing, think nothing? This is mostly when things get very, very complicated. People get frustrated and relationships are tested. Everyone wonders, what’s wrong with you and you have no answers to give them. I don’t give short answers for no reason, I don’t do it to hurt anyone and I certainly don’t do it to pick a fight. I hate fighting. I already feel like I am fighting through life, I don’t need another fight on top of it. My boyfriend often asks what he can do to help and I have run out of answers to give him. I have nothing left in me, I don’t even know how to help myself anymore. I used to have answers for him. I used to know what could help and what could drag me out of my moments, but now I have nothing so I end up feeling even worse about it all.

I try to make up for it when I am back to my normal self but a lot of times for me that is when I can finally do things, this then creates a complicated juggling act. I try to keep my friendships and relationship alive while I try to keep myself from drowning in my own darkness, and also try to get my priorities back on track and somehow during the process it completely falls apart again. So what do you do, what do you do when you feel like all you keep doing is dying. Of course, I’m not really dead or else I wouldn’t be writing this right now, but figuratively there’s no better way to describe it.

All of what I want seems so incredibly far away. I know people have it worse off but quite frankly that just makes me feel worse. I also know I should talk to someone but pointing it out doesn’t make me do it any faster, all it does is make me resent you for pointing it out. Why, you might ask, because I can’t even help myself and that on its own is pretty depressing. As I said before, I have dealt with this my whole life so as you can imagine I am pretty tired both mentally and physically. I do want to be a different person but at the same time I almost feel comforted by my darkness because at least I know that I don’t have to do much or expect much from it. I can do absolutely nothing when my gloomy days come upon me and I won’t have the slightest care, so why snap back to the reality of more disappointments and dissatisfaction when I can feel nothing at all?

Trust me when I say I don’t wish this feeling on anyone. I do hope this has helped some people understand me and others like me a little bit more. We do not want to hurt you. We do not want to disappoint you. We do want you to know that sitting in bed all day isn’t exactly something we plan to do, but I hope you can understand it has also become a terribly bad habit to break. We are addicts in a way, addicted to the company of our own depression. The thing that is tethered to our souls and lets us escape reality for a while.

So as I sit here and conclude my story I would like to reach out once again and remind anyone reading this who struggles with the same things, you are not alone. In hopes that I can connect with more people, I will be writing more about my story and my struggles with depression. I would also like to thank anyone reading this who has helped me and others like me along the way. Depression isn’t easy for anyone and it certainly isn’t something anyone should go through alone. To all of those who are struggling along with me just remember, I am not dead and neither are you.