Before I die, I want to tell you about my fort, my secret place.
I found it one day when I was so upset because I had ruined the cake our mother made for your birthday and she was so mad even though I didn’t do it on purpose and I just couldn’t stand it so I ran away. I ran across the field and into the woods all the way to the creek and I saw it there. A huge tree had fallen and it was so old that it was hollow and it was just the right size to become my fort, my secret place.
After that, whenever I played outside, I went down to the hollow tree. I decorated it as best as I could with flowers and moss and feathers so that it was very beautiful and all mine. One day I even snuck a blanket out there, a very old blanket that none of us ever used even though it was very big. Nobody noticed it was gone and I never worried that the blanket would be ruined because the bark of the log kept everything dry inside my fort, my secret place.
One of our cats discovered the blanket there and pretty much every day that I went out there I would find him sound asleep on the blanket. I didn’t mind because I only went there to get away from people, so an animal made very good company. My favorite thing in the world to do was to curl up in the blanket and listen to the cat purring in my fort, my secret place.
Sometimes the cat wouldn’t be there and that was okay. I would just lie there and watch the beetles crawling by or listen to the birds singing or just make up stories inside my head. There was always the sound of the creek flowing which made it so peaceful all around my fort, my secret place.
As the years went by, I outgrew the inside of the log. No longer was it comfy and cozy inside for me but I never took the blanket away because the cat still came out there to rest his old bones. Even though I couldn’t fit in the hollow anymore I still came to just be near it because it was my fort, my secret place.
Whenever I was sad or angry or stressed I would run there as fast I could. It was my place of rest from the busyness of high school. If the cat was there I would tell him all my problems and I would reach inside and pet him as he purred to comfort me. When I failed a test or had my heart broken or couldn’t take the meanness of people, I always felt better after I had visited my fort, my secret place.
Of course cats don’t live as long as people do but I still wept when the cat died. I knew it was his time and he had lived a good life, but it hurt so, so, so much to know that I would never him purring from his bed on that ratty old blanket. Because I couldn’t bear to think that he wouldn’t be there anymore it was a few months before I went back to my fort, my secret place.
But life goes on and the flowers bloom and the mushrooms grow and the birds build nests and I found that it wasn’t empty without the cat. I missed him but his memory would always be there and I would look at the tiny flowers growing by the creek and be thankful that I still had my fort, my secret place.
I had never thought much about God before Granddad died. I had been so happy in my last year of high school and he was going to come to my graduation but he had a heart attack and was gone just like that. I needed someone to blame and God seemed about right. I was angry and aching so I screamed and sobbed at God when I went to my fort, my secret place.
I went far away to college and the stress about tore me apart but I survived. I was still mad at God and every little thing that hurt me in any way had to be his fault. I even thought I had fallen in love, nothing like I had ever known in high school, but I was so terribly mistaken and my dream of a perfect romance was crushed and I was a wreck. The worst part of it was that I couldn’t go home to my fort, my secret place.
One summer I went out to the old hollow tree and I sat down with the Bible a friend had given me. I had promised to read it but I didn’t want to because you and the rest of the family had told me all about God all the time and I was never interested in listening. I told God I would read it but only because I had promised my friend and not because I wanted to know him any more than I already did. He ignored my declaration and I was amazed to actually find the real God in my fort, my secret place.
This changed my life and you saw those changes. You were so happy for me and wanted to know how I had faith after so many years of indifference but I couldn’t explain it. I remember I just told you it was grace because there was no way I could say anything about my fort, my secret place.
I finally finished school and went to work and you know all the rest of my outward life. But inwardly I began to see that I didn’t need to be out by the creek so much anymore. I had the memory of my first meeting with God and that formed the foundation in my heart of a new fort, a new secret place.
I still visited the hollow tree whenever I came to visit our parents, but after they died and the house was sold I never saw it again. There was an ache in my heart because I still loved it even if I didn’t exactly need it because that wasn’t my source of rest anymore. Even so, I wish could see it one last time—my fort, my secret place.
Our parents never knew about it and I never told our brothers or my friends or even you, my dear little sister. I guess it was because I wanted it to remain hidden, just for me. I know I will soon go somewhere more wonderful than a hollow log by a creek, but even if it isn’t very grand I don’t want it to be forgotten totally. That is why I am telling you about my fort, my secret place.
Perhaps you will tell your grandchildren for me because I can’t talk about it to anyone else. It was hard just now to tell you even though we are sisters, and beyond that you are my closest friend. If you will just sit here with me for a few more minutes I want to be quiet so that I can go visit it in my heart and wait for God’s call in my fort, my secret place.
