Everyone knows it's hard enough to cut a toxic significant other or friend out of your life, but nobody really talks about how heart crushing it is to have to cut off a toxic family member. Nobody talks about the judgment from the rest of your family. Nobody talks about the weird looks you get when you have to explain why that family member isn't around anymore. You feel like you always have to justify why you couldn't handle the toxicity. You feel much happier, but it still feels like you lost a piece of your identity. In my case, that family member was my mother.
I was a Freshman in high school when I made the decision to no longer speak to my mother. Now before you start judging please listen to the rest of what I have to say. I think the best way to explain to all of you is to start at the beginning. My parents were 18 and 17 years old when I was born so naturally they had it pretty tough, which I will never discount. My parents divorced when I was 18 months old and my mother got custody. She moved around a lot and never really got or stayed consistent. When I was 3 my mother left me in the apartment above some random older couples' garage for 5 days by myself. The lady that lived in the house heard me crying at the end of day 2 and came to get me and kept me in her house until my mother decided to come back home. This caused my mother to loose custody so I went to live with my dad. I later found out that she went to score drugs and got high and forgot I was there. I continued to visit her every other weekend and enjoyed every minute I had with her. In 3rd grade she met a man. He was a soldier that was eventually going to be deployed to Afghanistan. We bonded very quickly. He was attentive, caring, thoughtful, loving, and all of the things that Step-parents are supposed to be. He really did love me as his own and I loved him with everything I had. They got married when I was in 5th grade and I never thought I could be happier until he was actually deployed which left me with just my mother on her weekends. I was in 6th grade when I started noticing my mothers substance abuse and alcoholism. She would leave me with whatever family member would take me to go out and drink every Friday and Saturday night. I could never be enough or do enough to make her happy with me. She only cared about what was going on with me if it made her look good. She would promise to come to sporting events and then would never show up. She would forget to even come pick me up on weekends. I was in 7th grade the first time she told me I was fat and that turned into a 6 year battle with my dysfunctional relationship with food and working out. In 7th grade I found out I was going to have a little brother. I wasn't too excited at first but I grew really attached to him. I loved him before he even had a name. When he was born I wanted to do everything they would let me do to help with the baby. Eventually that turned into me babysitting a 5 month old every other Friday and Saturday night because she just had to go out and drink with her friends at the local dance hall. This was also the year that I really started to understand what drugs did to you. I started noticing her pupils being huge, her eyes super glassy, her hands shaking constantly, and the way she got itchy every couple hours and had to "lay down for a minute." 8th grade my mother would go out of her way to point out every imperfection I had; when my pants were just a little too tight or my shirt being too big or not wearing the right shoes for an outfit or not having makeup on or my curly hair being frizzy. I just couldn't catch a break. She always had at least one bad thing to say about the way I looked. Needless to say growing up I didn't think very highly of myself and here we are a decade later and I still struggle to even like myself everyday. Then my freshman year started and of course the picking at me only got worse. The day that really solidified me wanting to step out of my mothers life was about 2 weeks before Superbowl. I was 5 foot 5 inches tall weighing less than 95 pounds, getting light headed and shaking, feeling very weak and always tired. She then came to me and said "you're starting to jiggle are you sure you want to eat that" and then took my lunch away from me and threw it away because "if you're jiggling you can be thinner. Just don't forget thinner is always prettier. You're a somewhat pretty girl, let's not ruin that." I went home to my dad and cried for DAYS because my stomach was cramping so bad I couldn't walk all because I couldn't make myself eat after what she had said to me just a day earlier. The next day I went to a friends house and her mom finally broke down and asked if I would eat for her. When I said no she (being the loving mother that she was) cried for me. She sat with me for about 4 hours telling me that nothing my mother said was right and that she would do anything to get me help. With her help I went to my dad and told him what was going on. He then went with me to check myself into a very good outpatient therapy place, as well as helping me find a nutritionist to get me back to a healthy weight without causing any damage.
My dad was really good about not speaking poorly of my mother in front of me. He didn't want to poison whatever relationship I wanted to have with her. He wouldn't tell me about the prostitution, check fraud, drug charges, exotic dancing, and substance abuse until I was about 20 years old. After a few weeks in therapy I decided it was time to step back from my mother and work on being healthy. Since then I have learned about every time that my mother chose drugs over our family, every time that she chose drugs or alcohol over me, how she chose cocaine over their marriage, how she chose pills over trying to work on their marriage, and every single time that my dad had to roll her over so she didn't choke on her own vomit in her sleep. Since then I've also come to terms with the narcissistic abuse my mother put me through, I've returned to a healthy weight, I've found a healthy relationship with food, and I've learned what a true mother looks like. Since then I have also met my husband and his wonderful mother. She makes me feel the unconditional love she has for me everyday. It's a lot to love someone new in your family so deeply and I am forever thankful that she found a place in her heart for me. I can't go a day without talking to her. I call her to tell her about my day just like most people do with their own mothers. I will NEVER be able to thank her enough for the never ending love that she gives me and makes me feel for myself. I'm still not 100% but I'm not sure I ever will be and that's okay. I still have problems waking up and hating what I see in the mirror and sometimes my husband still has to remind me to eat but I'm still putting in the work and trying to love myself every single day. I know that all of this is hard to talk about and hard to read, but toxic is toxic no matter who it is. It is okay to walk away from something that hurts you more than it helps you. It is okay to have to walk away from a family member if that person makes you want to die. You have to protect yourself and your sanity.
If anyone out there needs to talk about any of the issues that you have read about here today PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE reach out to someone you trust or talk to a doctor and if you would like to read the book that helped me work through my feelings and therapy please read "Will I Ever be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Karyl McBride. You are loved. You are valid. You deserve the best. Don't forget that.
