This year has taught me vulnerability and the need to express your past to be able to move on to your future.
So here I go, practicing what I need help with...
This is going to be the most honest and raw article/blog/post I have ever done. Being the end of my first year at college, I feel that it is fitting to do it now. I'm going to try my best to not make this turn into word vomit, but I have so much in me that I have held back for years.
If you know me, you know I am quite extroverted and not afraid to speak my mind. If you really know me, you know I rarely ever disclose personal matters in my life with anyone. Seriously, I don't tell my best friends and even my family many of the things that happen in my life.
You might think it's strange that I'm able to be so loud, yet so closed off at times. The honest truth as to why I am like this?
Fear.
When it comes to making a fool out of myself, or standing in front of a room of people and speaking, I have virtually no fear.
When it comes to telling my best friend a dark secret I've been withholding, I become crippled by fear.
I had a fear that people would see me as weak or that they didn't actually care about my problems. In my mind, it was always easier just to keep it to myself and not hurt those around me with my pain.
When I got to high school though, I realized I was turning into someone I didn't recognize because for so many years of holding in my struggles, I started to resent others and even resent God.
I was really good at putting on a front that I had everything together. Like, really good. I felt that I had too many people looking to me to be this perfect person that didn't have any issues.
To be completely honest though, my life was a wreck for certain parts of my high school career. I was bullied growing up and a little in high school too and in response, I thought there was something wrong with me and that I was not a likable person. I was not pleased with who I was, which then turned into a deep rooted self- hatred that went on for many years. This eventually turned into a twisted view of what others thought of me, and I even started to believe that my friends hated me and were annoyed by everything I did.
I tell you all this to explain that if I would have talked to a friend, or opened up to my parents much sooner, maybe I wouldn't have dug myself into the depression I faced for about a year.
If I simply humbled myself to be ok (for once) with being vulnerable, maybe I wouldn't have held in my pain, which created a snowball effect of hurt.
Not only did I hurt myself during this time, but I hurt the people around me. I was so selfish and consumed in my own hatred, that I stopped paying attention to those around me.
If you're like me, a person who keeps struggles from your loved ones, please don't make my mistake.
Talk to people. Open up. It might be difficult at first, but trust me, it's worth it. You will begin to grow in trusting others and learn more about yourself than ever before.
And if you don't have anyone, talk to God. He cares, for real. You can talk to him all day and night, and he will never get sick of it! He's legit.
It's not an easy process (I'm still learning) but, its a worthy process.
