The most important lesson that I've learned is to let go of the past. It's easy to dwell on the past because you constantly think to yourself "what could I have done to change this" or "if only...". The past works like a twisted game of dominoes. if you set it up a certain way, it could knock down a single path of dominoes, or it could knock down two paths. The best thing that you could do moving forward is to pick up the pieces and start anew.
However, 2015 might have been the worst year of my life thus far.
To me, the year of 2015 was a sandwich of loss.
I remember waking at around 4 o'clock in the morning to the news of my grandfather's passing. As the words came out of my father's mouth, I felt my entire world stop. The man who raised my sisters and I, who was responsible for all of laughs and sometimes nerve-wracking lectures, had taken his last breath halfway across the world. This was something that was outside of my own control, but I couldn't help but feeling as though I could have done something differently. What if I was home more often and never missed the 30-minute long Skype conversations? What if I knew what was going on with your health and well-being, instead of burying myself in school work? What if there was something that I could have done to help?
I didn't think that I could feel so helpless in my entire life. Until it happened again, eleven months later.
I was coming off of a long 10-hour shift at the restaurant. It was the weekend, and I had my mind pretty much set on either sleeping right when I got to my room, or taking 30 minutes to do some distracted studying. I knew something had to be off when both my parents were sitting in the living room with all the lights on at 11:30 at night. My first thought was "sh*t, what did I do?"
Then they broke the news to me. My brother-in-law passed away.
I didn't think I could ever lose two people, who were of the utmost importance to my family and I. Both men have changed my life for the better, have taught me things that I could only learn from them, and have given me a different outlook how I live out my different life experiences.
It's hard not hearing your laugh, when the corners of your eyes squint in delight and a sparkle twinkles from your pupils. It's hard not being able to make jokes with you, that make your eyebrows burrow in the middle of your forehead. It's hard not being able to hear your constant, end-of-conversation advice telling me to make sure to never settle for mediocrity. It's hard going on in life knowing that you both lost yours.
I feel as though my life would be a whole world different if you were still alive. I've learned to accept that you're both gone, but I just think that I would be... happier.
