Growing up as a bi-racial child in rural Kentucky was difficult. I was one of the first half-black children in my family and I was the darkest kid in elementary school.
I was in the third grade when I was first called the "N word." At that time I could not comprehend what it meant nor the hate behind it. I went on with my day, unaware of what had just occurred.
It wasn't until one of my friends on the bus told my mom what had happened when I realized that something bad had just happened. My mom sat me down and told me that people were not allowed to call me that. She did not explain to me why, she just assured me that it was a very bad word.
Fast forward 11 years and now I'm fully conscious of what went down. That kid on the bus not only insulted me, but my entire family. He made a judgement about me because of the color of my skin.
Now, am I upset over what happened? Of course not, that was 11 years ago. Am I upset with the use of the word now? Well, yes and no.
Yes, because it is a word filled with hate. I won't go into the back story of it because I'm sure everyone knows it. It is ugly, it is demeaning, and it is down right disrespectful. It is a reminder of an awful time when human beings were mistreated to a disgusting degree. It is a word which someone should never be called.
No, because I have used the word before. I would be a hypocrite if I said I don't use the word conversationally.
Hip-Hop music has desensitized the word "nigga" and has turned it into a term of brotherhood or friendship. It is a more casual form of the word. In the same way, I find myself constantly saying it within my group of friends. I wouldn't feel comfortable expressing that word with people who I do not consider close friends, though. It's a sort of double standard which still confuses me today.
So here I am, 19 years old and I'm casually using a word which was once used to intentionally insult me. Am I wrong for it? I don't think I am. Is it okay for me to say that word because I'm part African-American? I don't think that is what it boils down to. And unfortunately, I can't tell you what it boils down to because I'm not too sure myself.
Just make sure that whatever you say, to whomever you say it to, it is not filled with hate.
