Dermatillomania is a word that I discovered several months ago. It is, by definition, a mental disorder that is characterized by the repeated urge to pick at one's skin, often to the point of damage. I did not know that dermatillomania was an actual disorder, but after I read an article explaining what people who have the disorder do to their skin, I came to the quick realization that I had it.

People who have dermatillomania pick or scratch at their skin excessively. This excessive picking ends up in bleeding and scabbing that doesn't heal unless the person stops picking. The areas damaged can be anywhere on the body, but the most common areas include the arms, lips, face, and scalp. Most people who do not know about dermatillomania would consider "skin picking" to be nothing but a gross habit. This is not the case. This skin picking is actually grouped with other body-focused compulsive disorders, making it more than just an act of habit.

I believe I have had dermotillomania since I was 16 years old. This is a common age of onset for those who suffer with the disorder, since acne picking is usually a trigger for dermatillomania. I started with my lips. I would pick the skin off of my lips all day every day. When the skin began to bleed and I could no longer peel the skin with my fingers, I would use my teeth to peel the soft tissue inside of my mouth off. The inside of my mouth is still, four years later, covered in deep crater-like scars from this behavior. Although I no longer peel my lips, I do bite the inside of my mouth when I become anxious.

The next thing I started picking was the skin around my fingers. I still do this today. When I am nervous or bored, I will bring my fingers to my mouth and tear off the skin around my fingernails with my teeth. I do this several times an hour. This has caused the sides of my fingers to become super hard with callouses. Every once in a while I'll tear off too much skin and my fingers will bleed, but that sill doesn't stop me from chewing off the skin.

The hardest problem I currently face with dermatillomania is my scalp. I compulsively pick at my scalp whenever I become bored. I do it without even noticing that I'm doing it. If you were to shave my head, you would find dozens of patches of scabs and scars. I've even begun to get gray hair from the damage I have caused to my scalp and hair follicles.

I wish I could simply stop this compulsive picking of my skin, but it's so much harder than I ever thought to stop. I previously thought that I just had a weird habit, but now I know that my picking is a bigger problem than I originally believed. The only thing that helps me at the moment is acrylic nails. The nails are chunky and synthetic, so they take away the satisfaction from picking. However, when I get really stressed out, I can create more damage with my fake nails than with my real ones. I try very hard not to pick in public places like when I am in class or out shopping. I don't want people to think I'm weird. But sometimes I still catch myself picking my scalp or removing the skin from my mouth when I'm out. Some people claim that dermatillomania is a form of self-harm, but I disagree. I pick without a purpose. I don't mean to harm my skin. To me, the disorder is more closely linked to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I'm very particular about certain things in my life, and I wouldn't be surprised to find out that I suffer from some form of OCD and that dermatillomania comes with it.

At the end of the day, dermatillomania is not the worst thing I could be dealing with. I know I need to fix the problem because the areas that I pick are starting to show the signs of abuse. However, I've found other people with the same disorder who have stopped their compulsive picking on their own. These people give me hope that I can do the same. I believe that with a lot of self-control and even more time, I can stop my picking once and for all.