As an only child, I never had siblings to inflict their hobbies, thoughts, or norms on me. I was always my own person, free to like what I wanted to like and be who I wanted to be, without having to follow in the footsteps of an older brother or sister. Because of this, there were never any specific expectations of how I should be acting. I was my parents’ first (and only) child, so they just went with the flow.
My life growing up female wasn’t exactly typical. The kids in the neighborhood that I always hung out with were all boys. It was with them that I learned mostly everything. The boys and I would spend hours catching fireflies, playing tag, kickball or wiffleball, getting dirty, scratching our knees, sweating profusely, and making snowmen families. Only one of the boys had a sister, who was obsessed with Barbie dolls, playing dress-up, and painting her nails, but that simply was just not my thing. The boys were like my big brothers and I was like one of their little brothers. But more importantly, I was one of them. I only wore boys basketball shorts and shoes, baggy t-shirts, with my hair either in a ponytail or a bun. I wasn’t feminine in any sense of the word, nor did I care to be. No one expected me to be scared to get dirty or act the way most little girls acted because I fit right in.
Puberty hit the boys and I like a speeding train on a track, but in different ways. I had physically become “a woman” but mentally I was not there yet. It took some time but I came to the realization I didn’t want to be liked by the boys anymore, instead I wanted them to like me, in the sexual meaning of the word.
In my new role as a true girl, I had to find my way within life. I hadn’t really done any girly things, such as getting a manicure and pedicure or getting my eyebrows done. I started hanging out with the girls from school after school in place of the boys in the neighborhood. I now had a lot of play dates, wearing short shorts and tank tops, gossiping about the boys in school and playing with my friends’ hair. I finally felt as if I was finding myself as a girl.
As I think back now, I wish I could thank the neighborhood boys for making me realize the female role I had learned to love. Without the boys making me realize the social gender expectations of what qualities a girl should or should not possess, my life may not have been the same. I have been able to lead a life of dirt and bruises as well as a life of pampering and impressing.
