When I was a kid I had it all planned out for what I was going to do by the time I was 24. I was going to be in a long-term relationship and get married by the age of approximately 23, of course we had been engaged for a few years by that point. After we got married we would settle down and have our first child by the age of 24, and by 25 I would probably have two kids, a boy and a girl obviously. I would have this well-established career going for me and I would be rocking the “mom” role like nobody’s business; waking up early to make breakfast, go off to work side-by-side with my adoring husband and come home after work to see my family once again. Now I am weeks away from being that exact age (almost a quarter-century old) and I have absolutely no clue what the hell I am doing with my life.

I can’t help but laugh at my younger self, I mean, really? Married, kids, an established career? I went to community college for a few years in order to get two completely different degrees. Therefore spending my glamorous college years at home in the same place I had been most my life. As I look back on everything I have come to realize that my life has been pretty boring. I haven’t traveled very much, didn’t go away to college to have the fantastic “flee-the-nest” experience, and have had the same café job for the last four years.

Those two degrees I just mentioned, neither of them are being put into use right now. I pretty much have no life experience because I have always been an introvert, so you can say I don’t have many friends. Don’t worry though, I am completely OK with that. I can also tell you that the main reason I even met my current boyfriend is because he came over with my grandmother’s God-son one day, because they are best friends of course, and a few years later we met again and have been together ever since. That being said, I can’t even take credit for finding my long-term relationship. Let us all just take a moment of silence for my sad, sad life right now.

With today being the “first day” for a lot of people in my town I couldn’t help but become anxious yesterday as the time drew closer and closer to night time. I started thinking to myself, man I better get to sleep soon, I need to get a good night’s rest and be well prepared for tomorrow, because it was everyone’s first day so of course it was my first day for something too, right? Not. All I had to do today was wake up and get to my cafe on time, not much brain power involved in making drinks and processed foods. I could get one hour of sleep and still be able to do my job well. I was just anxious because everyone else was. Everyone else was starting something new again and there I was, needing no night-time prep, and watching Netflix for all hours of the night.

That’s when it all kicked in. The memories, the goals, and the expectations of myself had become a blur. As I look back on where I thought I would be I can’t help but laugh at that teenaged girl who thought she knew how everything was going to work out. The kids and marriage are still in the back of my mind but definitely somewhere in the way back. My “established career” is hopefully on its way; I keep trying to tell myself one step at a time. Still, I can’t help but feel like all those goals I had are completely out of reach. If I put my feelings into action I would be sitting on the couch eating Bon-Bons all day weeping about my tragic life.

I can’t. I can’t sit on my couch and feel sorry for myself, I can’t stuff my face with all the donuts, and I certainly can’t just keep laughing at that teenaged girl who thought all those things were possible. I have to keep those goals, who wouldn’t want a happily ever after? I just have to keep pushing forward, one less box of Bon-Bons at a time. Everyone has goals and everyone has both triumphs and failures, we just have to remember that our goals may not always go according to plan. My engagement, marriage, kids, and fancy career might take another decade (or more) to complete but I think I might actually pull it off. As I said, I just need to take one step at a time to make it all happen. Now all I need is the motivation to make everything come together! But first, let’s wine and weep. I think I will try again next week…