Listen. I don't want to be dramatic, but 13 years ago, my life was ruined by a tiny clownfish with a special little fin, a point to prove, and a whole lot of daddy issues. Sound familiar? If you just asked yourself "Wow, has it really been 13 years since 'Finding Nemo' came out?" I can assure you that it has indeed been that long since that movie was released because I have been reminded of its existence nearly every day of my life for every single one of those 13 years.
So, naturally, you can imagine the complete devastation that plagued my entire being when Ellen Degeneres gleefully announced on her show that, yes, a "Finding Nemo" sequel was in the works, and that, atrociously, it was going to be called: "Finding Dory." I was outraged! I was terrified! Over a decade had gone by and I was still bombarded with "P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way" jokes on a weekly basis -- how was I supposed to handle an all-new source of quotable phrases and inescapable associations with a well-intentioned, but bumbling blue fish?
At this point, the phrase, "Yes, like the fish from 'Finding Nemo,'" might as well be my second last name. Again, not to be dramatic or anything, but I am hit with a reference from that film essentially every time I have to introduce myself to anyone. It doesn't matter who or how old they are -- everyone knows this movie, and everyone likes to be a wise guy. The worst is when they follow up the usual "Do you speak whale?" question with the always enjoyable, "I bet you've never heard that before! Ha!" Trust me: if looks could kill, I'd have a pretty hefty body count under my belt by now, but even my most potent of death stares can't deter people from laughing at my misery.
As if the news of a new movie all about my favorite bluefish wasn't enough, it was recently announced that two new characters would be joining the franchise, and honestly, it feels like Pixar is just playing one huge, sick joke on me. In case you can't be bothered to click the hyperlink and see the title of that article in all its ironic glory, here's a visual aid to show you that, indeed, someone at Pixar has it out for me.
On the off chance this still isn't sinking in for you, let me clarify. If you'll just glance at my full name, under the title at the top of this article, you might notice that, in addition to my first name being "Dorie," my last name also happens to be "Bailey." Now, I invite you to take a peep at the image above once more. See what I'm saying? It is my destiny to be included in this franchise -- literally. What are the odds that my entire name will very likely be said multiple times on screen when this movie finally comes out? Can someone run the math on that? Oh, and just in case you were wondering, "Finding Dory" is set to be released June 17th, 2016. So, mark your calendars, because that's the day I leave the country, change my name, and leave this entire franchise business behind.
Sharing a name with a very quotable movie character is not an easy life, but I know I'm not the only one who suffers in this way. Do you have the same name as a Disney princess? You know what I'm saying. Are you named Forrest? I can guarantee that someone has told you to run at least once in your life, and boxes of chocolate have long lost their appeal. I'd like to give a special shout-out to anyone named Jeff, because honestly, hearing people try to butcher the now-infamous "My name is Jeff" line from "22 Jump Street" must be a real test of your patience. Be strong, all you Jeffs out there. Maybe they'll release a "23 Jump Street" and some other name will become the butt of everyone's jokes.
People make fun of my abhorrence of this franchise all the time, but c'mon, can you blame me? As if my friends don't get enough enjoyment out of slipping a "Finding Nemo" reference into our conversations whenever they can, I also worked as a camp counselor for three years. Let me tell you, spending summers with the target demographic of that movie was no easy feat. Groups of children would literally sing "Just keep swimming!" at me from across the camp to get my attention. It's no wonder I never wanted to do lifeguard duty at the pool there -- clearly, that would have gone over really well.
The worst part about this whole thing is that "Finding Nemo" isn't even a bad movie -- it's actually a pretty good one. The story is cute, it's funny and sweet, and there are endlessly humorous quotes that have nothing to do with Dory at all. In fact, the peppering of jokes in the film specifically aimed at the adults that have to watch it with their kids is quite impressive. But, you don't have to be a kid to appreciate some of the less mature jokes in there as well. If I'm being totally honest here, the line "I'm gonna go touch the butt" gets me every time. What a classic.
OK, fine. Maybe I'm a little excited for the new movie to come out. But it's only because I'm so tired of hearing the same 10 jokes come my way! I'm just looking forward to the fresh content that "Finding Dory" will inspire! You can only be asked "Do you suffer from short-term memory loss?" so many times before you want to punch someone in the face, take it from me. So don't expect me to be waiting in line for tickets on opening night or anything like that because that's just silly. Everyone knows you should wait at least a week to avoid peak crowds, and always go at an odd time to get matinee pricing. Duh.
But, if you do happen to run into me in the theater watching "Finding Dory," likely wearing a hat and sunglasses and sitting in the very back -- please just let me be. I'm just trying to take back control of my life and prepare myself for the next 13 years of jokes at my expense. And, if for some reason you see me cracking a smile or laughing... well, it's not because I like the movie or anything. No way. I was probably just remembering something funny that happened earlier that day, to a friend of mine that you don't know. Yeah... that's all.
