Hola. ¿Como estas? Yo quiero Taco Bell. That's the extent of my knowledge of the Spanish language. Ok, no, that's a stretch. I took Spanish all throughout elementary school and I am currently taking it as a sophomore in college after a brief hiatus to learn Italian in high school. However, my knowledge of the language is far from decent.
After looking at me, you may or may not be able to tell that I am Latina. I have fair skin, but I also have dark curly hair. I have some Eurocentric features, but they don't dominate my appearance. Although I have never identified as Latina and usually just checked off "Caucasian" on standardized tests, I am Latina.
I've always felt confused about my nationality which is something that left me feeling very isolated. My mother had come to this country from Argentina in 1964 at the age of 10. The Civil Rights Act had just been passed, but America still wasn't too racially accepting. When my mother's family did arrive in America, none of them spoke a word of English. Because of this, my mother was bullied, teased, and even held back from advancing a year in elementary school. I have heard the story of my mother's journey to America multiple times and only recently did I listen to it with a critical ear. Only recently did she tell me that she had never taught me Spanish because she feared I would be taunted like she was.
Growing up monolingual was never a problem for me until I became friends with other Latino people. Seeing them speak to their parents and their other friends in Spanish made me feel like I was missing out. Aside from not speaking Spanish, my mom also never showcased her Latina heritage. Being half Italian I feel as though she used that as an excuse to be as white as possible. Even now, if I remind her that she is Latina she will get upset. I think that the underlying problem is that when she came to America she forced herself to assimilate to American culture.
My parents are divorced and I have never met my father which means that it is nearly impossible for me to connect with any part of him. My father is fully Bolivian while my mother is half Bolivian and half Italian. I have taken my mother's Italian last name of "Mezzettone" and have never used my father's last name, "Gonzalez." Being raised under my mother's care, I have only ever been exposed to her ideas of what ethnicity her and I should identify with. Being raised Italian- American was great, but it never felt fitting. Spending time with my mother's side of the family left me feeling too Hispanic to be as Italian as I was claiming to be.
After swerving between the racial dichotomy, I've learned to instead walk the line. I believe that if you are "mixed" then it is possible to represent both or all parts of your heritage. There is no rule book for how someone chooses to personally identify. I recognize that I sometimes feel ostracized in certain situations where I believe that I either need to be a Latina or a white person. However, the most important thing that I've learned to take away is that I need to not see myself as just a race. I am Latina and I am white. There is no "but" in that sentence because the two are not mutually exclusive. I have decided that I am both and that's all I need.
