My Letter To PCOS

Dear Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome,

Oh, how I despise you. I remember our first encounter actually, in the doctor's office on that cold February day in 2015. I was 16, still in high school. I was almost done with my junior year. I was so excited, but you had to make your way into my life and I hate you for it.

I remember you suddenly beginning to make me gain weight...for no reason. I was still eating healthy and exercising almost daily. Did you know that you ruined my senior prom? I spent months... MONTHS... trying to find a prom dress that fit me perfectly, but I eventually had to settle for one that just...fit. I felt ugly that entire night, constantly worried about how I looked and sucking in to feel pretty like all of the other girls. Was it because of you I didn't get a date for my senior prom?

It Is because of you I felt ugly on what was supposed to be a special night for me. I remember getting ready and just crying. I look back on that day sometimes, and believe it or not, I still cry. And although I tried, and still try, to lose weight, you made and make it so hard for me too.

You're so greedy. You steal my insulin, storing it away rather than letting my body use it. Because of you, I am tired and struggling with my weight.

I also want to thank you (not really) for the horrible acne you have given me. I have had acne for as long as I can remember. And its not just the kind you can easily get rid of with an over the counter face wash. No, this is severe cystic acne that makes it hurt to smile.

Because of you, I spend tons of money of cane medication. Because of you, I cant step out of the house without makeup. Because of you, I hate the pictures that I took with my family and boyfriend a couple days ago. They love the pictures and say I look beautiful, but I just cant believe them. Its so hard for me to feel beautiful and it is all your fault.

Let's not forget the way you took away my femininity. Do you remember that one year where I did not have a period for 8-9 months. To most girls, that sounds like an amazing thing, right? Wrong. Because of that, I now have a higher risk for endometriosis and endometrial cancer.

The doctor told me it is going to be very difficult to have kids one day, and that breaks my heart. But whenever you decided to bring the monthly gift to me, I thought I was dying. Words can not describe the pain I felt. You were stabbing me and no pain medication could take away the pain you were inflicting on me.

Because of you, PCOS, I have the worst mood swings. I am always tired and always cranky. My poor boyfriend, bless his sweet heart. This is due to the hormonal imbalance you give me. I now have to spend more money on the "pill" just in order to maintain all of my symptoms.

Symptoms that can include weight gain, acne, excess hair growth, insulin resistance, diabetes, endometrial cancer, infertility, and the list goes on. So, thank you, again, for ruining my life.

Actually no...thank you PCOS for making me a stronger woman. Thank you for showing me how tough I can be. Yeah, I may not feel beautiful quite yet, but let me just tell you, I am getting there. I am now learning ways to escape from the hold you have on me.

I have learned special diets, exercise plans, and medications that help me regulate you. And you, PCOS, may think of ways to hold me back, but let me tell you...that is not going to happen. I don't care how hard it is, I am going to find a way to make you near silent. I know I can't get rid of you completley, but I can promise you this, I will find a way to forget you ever existed.

Sincerely,

Taylor