When I attended the SAEOPP McNair/SSS Scholars Research Conference in Atlanta, I learned a little about imposter syndrome. I know it has various names, but I will continue to refer to it as stated above. So when I heard this term and heard a remix of the definition, I knew then that that was what I had been feeling for most of my academic and personal life. More so since I came to college.
I've taken college classes before at my early college but coming to a university, a boy that was something else. I'm away from home and my usual clique, so of course, I feel out of my element. As far as I can remember, I've always questioned my academic abilities and my social skills. Growing up, I learned to get in where I fit in and even with that mindset, I still struggled to figure out where I exactly belonged.
I always hung out with the black kids and I was always scared to play all of the music I listened to around them. I was scared they would find out I liked what was considered "white people music". So when Moana came out and I blasted that the soundtrack on my phone, when it came to riding in the car with one of my friends, she told me that I lost my car privileges. She would classify it as a childish and while that wasn't always an insult, it made me squint my eyes. Even before then, I would try to play music she wouldn't find "weird" or "childish".
So when I reflect on some days, I questioned how I managed to make and keep the friends I have.
Going through school, I've been told that I'm smart and that I always get good grades and that I was essentially a nerd. When it came to applying to college, I already knew that I wasn't getting into NC State and when I received my acceptance letter, I thought it was a mistake. "How did I get in? It must've been lucky."
So when I turned in my work or a test and received a good grade, I just assumed I got lucky. I didn't feel as if my work was actually that good. I felt as if the teacher felt good that day and thought my work was worth a passing grade. Especially when I procrastinate and I feel like my work is pretty much bullshit, it turns out to be something good or great.
I try to deal with my imposter syndrome by talking to my friends and my therapist. While I still question the quality of my work, those who remind me of what I've accomplished and let me know how far I've come and how hard I've worked.
Sometimes a little pep talk and staying humble can make my imposter syndrome fade a little more every day.
