My most passionate love affair began when I was merely but twelve years old, and it happened entirely by accident. Theatre *jazz hands* was something I thought I would absolutely hate, being a shy, and very insecure twelve year old. But somehow, out of nowhere, I was hit by the gloriousness of acting. The moment I knew I was in love was when I did my first duet scene. Though my acting ability was mediocre at best, my passion for the scene we did had no bounds. It was a scene with more lines than I had ever memorized, and it was about a girl with anorexia. And, performing in front of the twenty people in the classroom, for once in my life I felt like I had the ability to make others feel things, sympathy and hurt for the girl who was clearly suffering.
Though I didn't know it, that was only the beginning. For a while, I thought acting was a casual fling, something I enjoyed to do, but never really saw as a serious profession. It was my first year in high school, and I was excited to try out for the school play. At the time, I did not expect to get a part, but oh did I want one. Still, I thought my ability was subpar, but what I lacked in ability I made up for in spunk. At least, that's what I thought.
And then, the impossible happened: I got the lead in the play. Now you may ask, "What does that even mean?" Well, my friend, it meant for the first time since I started acting, I felt that my ability was validated. I was finally in a serious relationship with acting, and it couldn't have been better. I felt talented; A freshman getting the lead role! And while during that play, I had the most amazing time, when it left I searched yet again for that validation. Only this time, it was just beyond my reach. My serious relationship hit a rough patch.
Still I was determined to push through it. There was a time when we were happy, when I simply loved acting for acting. But I could never get over how acting made me look, and I was constantly feeling the judgement of everyone else, even if it wasn't really there. I no longer felt that my acting inspired anyone, that my acting did anything at all to help anyone. It became more about a pretty picture than anything else. And then it was too much and I couldn't take it anymore. Acting just didn't make me happy anymore. Everything we did together made me unhappy, and insecure. I was sure everyone else thought it too.
And so, we took a break. I worked on myself. I did my own thing for a while. It was hard to back off from a life that had been entirely based on acting. Nearly impossible actually. Because I couldn't help and see how acting was doing, and honestly, it was doing great. And, maybe it wasn't acting's fault that we didn't work out, it was mine.
And so, I went back to acting. And this time, I decided that I had to love acting for all of it's flaws, and understand that I changed and we both changed and that not everything could be so perfect and ideal as I once thought it was. And I'm happy now. I'm taking it slow and realizing that I can be a person with many interests and ideas who doesn't need to be defined by acting.
Because in the end, love is really all that matters. And I love acting.
