I really like to use this opportunity to rant and vent and just get shit out. I take this wonderful experience and I do what I can with it, I think I can be of most help (for right now) by just stating my honest opinions and thoughts. I am a feeler. I make most of my decisions with how I am feeling about a situation. That does come with thinking ahead, and seeing how it will affect me, but ultimately, I make a decision with how I am feeling.
A few years ago I made a few decisions that just created some turbulence in my life and surroundings. The decisions had created so much disturbance that I had to withdrawal from my college level courses and go on a spiritual (at least that is what I call it) break. I was really mad at the world. I wanted to be just like everyone else, and not only like them, but loved and appreciated by them. This is so hard to sit here and write about, but it is so true for myself. I love people, and I always thought about what could be wrong with me to have such weird or negative connections with (some) people. I thought about my sexuality, and that was a speed bump, I thought about my actions, and some of those were speed bumps, thought about my appearance and my feminine traits, new that was a speed bump. I began to destruct myself. Everything I did was for some reason not what everyone wanted. It was eating me apart. I tried to act more "straight", I tried drugs, I just wanted that feeling of "doing this life thing right". I tried finding a boyfriend, I tried to workout as much as I could. Then I would walk into a room full of people who were going to judge me, and before I even got in that room, I was afraid.
All of the decisions I had made before then did not matter. I was either a young, white, straight, athletic, sports-knowing, dominant man, or I was nothing (to the haters). I think it was feeding that part of me that was trying to be perfect in a way I never could. I think we all have those parts of us we wonder what it would be life if we were different, if we acted this way, instead of that. I think this part of us is destructive, and needs to be tamed. We all know who we want to be, we can feel it. We think of things during the day that give us goosebumps, we watch something on youtube that we aspire to be performing one day. I find it ironic that the majority of what we truly want to be, always has a speed bump we think we cannot overcome. Life is funny that way. I tell ya though, I do not think I would have done it any other way. Being a 22 year old undergrad sophomore in recovery who is still finding out who he wants to be, is my own fairytale, what is yours?
