I am very tired. I am tired of the delegitimization and the stigmatization of an illness that directs the course of my day, and nearly 40 million others’. I am tired of explaining to people how a person could take their life and it not be a selfish act. I am tired of giving people the benefit of the doubt of them not experiencing mental illness first hand and can still make remarks and judgments about it.
On the Internet this week, I came across one of the most disturbing remarks I’d ever witnessed about mental illness in response to an attempted suicide. Rumors were circulating the media about R&B singer Kehlani cheating on her boyfriend, basketball player Tyrie Irving. Kehlani posted an Instagram Monday with an IV in her arm captioned,
“today I wanted to leave this earth. Being completely selfish for once. Never thought I’d get to such a low point. But… Don’t believe the blogs you read. No one was cheated on and I’m not a bad person… Everyone is hurt and everyone is in a place of misunderstanding. But as of today, I had no single wish to see tomorrow. But God saved me for a reason, and for that… I must be grateful. Cuz I’m not in heaven right now for a reason… On that note. Bye Instagram.”
Do you know how hard it is for someone to make something like that public knowledge? Do you know what it feels like to be in such a dark place and emotional abyss that you don’t think you can take care of yourself anymore, so you’re put in a hospital? I do; I have been there. I voluntarily went to the hospital when I was in high school… my idea of my suicide was one that emerged in my nightmares in the seventh grade, and became too close to my reality too many times, and without yield. Dr. Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds says, “I know what it’s like to be afraid of your own mind.” On the other side of the coin, many do not. I used to envy these people. I prayed to God every night my thoughts would leave me alone, that I could sleep without waking up in the morning and scream because I woke up. I always thought I was a freak for having these thoughts until I became educated about them and learned that there is a biological basis for the experiences I had, that other people went through this too. I would have never had the courage to save myself until my best friend committed suicide until I stared into his grave and realized how easily the roles could have been reversed. It was not until I came out of the bubble of the societal delegitimization and “swept away under the rug” method of coping that I learned to live my life again, truly appreciate it, and not be horrified that I had one.
A wave of responses came to my attention in lieu of Kehlani’s post, many were offering support, some were critical of the rhetoric in her post, but when I saw what Chris Brown responded from his Twitter platform, I actually threw up.
Teen Vogue’s Ella Ceron wrote in response to his tweet, saying that “it’s downright dangerous”. Not only is it dangerous, it is a direct display of the continuous stigma that carries our overall societal mentality of mental illness. Yes, Chris Brown is the one who put his name behind the tweet, but it is a true reflection of society as a whole how the view manifested. I don’t know this for a fact but based upon Brown’s rhetoric I speculate he’s never had a direct experience with mental, invisible illnesses. You can’t blame him for that, some people are just dealt a luckier hand than others. I do blame him for his ignorance and no visible effort to understand what she experienced. I blame him for the misuse of his privileged position in media to condone the stigma surrounding suicide and mental illness. And finally, I blame him for his distasteful and horrifying lack of empathy to a woman facing and fighting the terms of her condition and the beat-down of her strength in reaching out for help.
In accepting my mental illness and my ideation, I began to heal. In talking about my experiences and identifying with others who feel the same way I do, I began to see the light of life that I’d involuntarily turned my head away from. In the actions of others and bravery in publicizing their experiences, I began to not feel so alone, and that this world was somewhere I really did belong to. It used to not make sense to me how the people that want the most for others often have the hardest times making themselves happy, that somehow we always needed to love ourselves before we could love others. But now I do understand because I live it. To know pain and darkness at the very core of your being is a reality no one asks for, so we (invisible illness fighters) try to ensure that everyone else around us is happy so they won’t ever have to know the pain we know. We publicize our pain, in hopes that someone who needs to hear that they’re not alone, does- and that it can change their life. That is why I write these articles, and that is why I am not silent about my illness. I was silent for a very long time, and it nearly killed me. Talking about my experiences heals me, and if one person can gain a better understanding of what they’re going through from someone who feels the same way they do, and even take that first step of courage to save themselves… that’s the greatest gift of all. That is what makes my life worth it for me now.
I am very strong. I am strong because I fight every day for my place on this Earth. I am strong because I learned how to talk about my experiences and not feel ashamed of them anymore. I am strong because I broke down, and built myself back up again. I am strong because I now know it is okay to not be okay, just to never numb the feeling. I plan to graduate from Muhlenberg College with my major in Neuroscience, pursue research in mental illness after graduate school, write books, and speak about my experiences around the world. I fight not just for me, but for you- stay(ing) strong.
