Dear Reader,

If you opened this article, I know you were thinking of your special person up above. Someone you loved, but did not cherish the moments the way you felt you should’ve. Maybe you did, but you couldn’t make it in time when doctors told you it was their time. Perhaps, you were arguing with that person and didn’t get the chance to make things right beforehand. If it was any of these scenarios or one I have left out, I know you sit there and replay every moment you can think of to try to get rid of the guilt and regrets. You get angry at the thought that they were taken away from you without getting that chance. Along with that, the reality of them being gone is never real. I am here to tell you my story, because I know personally how you feel. I was that person who never had anyone close to them pass away and I dreaded the day that it would happen. The circumstances of her passing were much more unbearable when I did not get the closure from a proper goodbye.

The person I am here to tell you about it my great-grandma, or Bubbie, as everyone called her. She was a beautiful woman underneath a pile of imperfections. Throughout the 77 years of her life, she was able to impact each person around her, especially close family members and friends. In her younger years, she spent most of her time pool side catching a tan. She managed to put smiles on people's faces and make connections with everyone. Bubbie was the one you called when you just wanted to get your mind off of things. She always put things into perspective for you and was brutally honest at all times. She always called to check in and see what was going on in your life. She was even more interested in your love life and when you were going to bring the next boy around so she could hug him, kiss his cheek, and call him a Gungka Bear. She brutally shamed us for our love of tattoos even though she had two herself. Within that same breath, she would tell you to live your life the way you wanted without giving a s*** about what other people said. She followed by this phrase. She lived life on the edge with a dirty mouth. She smoked for as long as we could remember without a single health issue, which is why we all thought she would be around forever. However, that was not the case or I would not be sitting here writing this to you.

I still remember the Thursday before she passed.This last day I spent with her is basically like a movie film on replay. She watched my little brother, Bryton, so my mom could work and I could go to school. I came to pick Bryton up in my scrubs, exhausted from a day of wiping many butts and taking care of patients. I immediately laid on the floor as I hit the top step and she bellowed “Where are you? I think I am blind, I can hear you, but I can’t see you.” I stood up and half-heartedly giggled for she was always saying something so stupid, yet it always managed to make me laugh. We talked about the gifts my boyfriend gave me and how she felt he was a blessing for me. Knowing it was more than true, I just giggled. She said she felt very tired and wasn’t going to go shopping later, this didn’t alarm me especially when she woke up earlier than normal to babysit for us. I remember asking her and my brother what they all did that day. They both told me in full detail with giant smiles. Once the conversations fell off and it got silent, I took it as an opportunity to leave out of my own exhaustion and selfishness. She watched us from the porch and I asked my brother if we hugged, but before I could reach the porch she walked into the door. I figured she was just in one of her moods again. I knew it was better to give her space when she got like this, so I hopped it the car and away we drove.

Friday morning, I remember waking at 8:30 a.m. to the ringing of the phone. I heard my grandma, Mimi, on the answering machine as I did many times before, but this time felt different. I hopped out of my slumber, which never happens, and dialed the number so fast that I did not even get a ring. I dialed again and heard the words that made my heart sink into my belly. A cloudy vision sticks in my mind. I am on my knees in my bed screaming “What? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.” Scott, my boyfriend, pops up from the floor where he normally sleeps and wraps his arms around my stunned self. With eyes covered, the tears knocked me into reality. I brushed him off and ran over to mom’s room where she met me half way and broke down. I remember holding her as I felt both of us crumble just repeating, “She was just fine yesterday. What happened?”

This day still brings stinging tears to my eyes. It was a day full of regrets and unspoken words for everyone. I can feel it the most. Less than 24 hours ago, I had that chance that many others didn’t. I had her breathing self in front of me and I rushed my way through it. I didn’t kiss her goodbye for the last time or hold her. I could’ve sat and talked to her for longer than I did, I could’ve asked why she was so tired. I didn’t have a proper goodbye, I didn’t get to tell her how much I loved her no matter how silly and selfish she was sometimes, I didn’t get to tell her “thank you” for everything. I will forever regret this more than anything in my life.

It took me awhile to realize the next few, very important sentences I am going to tell you. What I need you to realize is, you are not at fault for this. I know how you felt or still feel. I know you wonder if they knew you loved them, if they knew you wanted to hold them one last time, and if they know how much you miss them. The truth is- they knew you loved and still love them. They knew you wanted to say goodbye, and they wanted to say it, too. It is vital that you remember no one is perfect. No one has a clock to which they can predict what will be the last moments or when they should make things right. You will still second guess your last words and last moments, but your lovely angel up there wouldn’t want you to sugar coat life for them. Your person in heaven took every moment with them just like you have and they, more than likely, second guess their last moments with you, as well.

So, take a deep breath, forgive yourself, and know they forgive you too for there is no way to go back and change time. Only you have the power to free yourself. Learn something from this, do not let their passing influence your life in terms of anger and bitterness. Instead, appreciate, cherish, and let go of the grudges with the ones you love. All the while, acknowledge your sadness and pain while acknowledging the beauty of someone passing. These things include all the reminders whether they are in your dreams, songs on the radio, random pennies, butterflies, or "out of the blue" memories. Carry your loved one’s memories and life with you in your heart where they will always remain.

With much love,

Bryanna