Two years ago, to the date, I was an exercise nut. I averaged an hour to two hours working out and MyFitnessPal was my best friend. I was completely off of soda and couldn't remember the last time I had touched a candy bar. For the first time, I had achieved my goal of being a runner. I felt good. I felt confident.
Now, look at me today. I maybe go to the gym four times a month and when I'm there, I feel completely exhausted and can only think of leaving. I drink way too much Pepsi and don't drink any water. I feel run down and I'm tired every second of the day. I feel terrible.
So, what happened along the way? I put my body through the wringer. What I was doing two years ago may have been the healthiest lifestyle I have ever lived but it definitely wasn't healthy. I was practically starving myself and developed an extremely unhealthy relationship with food. It was all about vanity and even though I felt confident, once I had achieved that goal, there was nothing driving me to keep myself in that healthy frame of mind.
The only reason I began that health journey was to lose weight for spring break. I had gained weight during my first semester of college and I wanted to be the tiniest I could be while still being healthy. I got my weight down to 135 lbs when I had previously averaged around 145 lbs-150 lbs. I won't lie to you, I looked good and I felt good but after spring break was over, I had no reason to stay that thin. So, I began eating junk again and drinking soda. I was still so thin I thought, "what's one can of soda? You're still the skinniest you've ever been, and you can always start that health kick again next week."
It's been two years. I've lost all of my muscle tone and I live in extremes.I'll either spend an entire week eating nothing but healthy alternatives and exercising every day or eating a ridiculous number of calories and basically binging for an entire week. I've completely messed my body up and it's extremely confused.
My body didn't deserve the abuse I put it through and because of that, I am now in a worse place than I was before I began that journey. I need to teach myself to eat mindfully and to not gorge myself. I need to treat my body like it needs to because I will only get one in this lifetime.
I'm pretty upset with what I've done to achieve that vain goal, but that's not going to stop me from making it right and living my healthiest, best life; not for vanity, but for me. I want to feel good again. I want to be able to wear clothes without constantly fidgeting to make sure all unseemly parts are covered.
I want to feel free again. I apologize to myself for the abuse I have put myself and my body through and I promise to treat my body with respect.