My best friend's suicide attempt

My Best Friend's Suicide Attempt

Some bad things happen so you can change for the better.


Like many of us, my best friend means the absolute world to me. She is my rock, my heart, and soul, my person. There's not a single thing I wouldn't do for that crazy b*tch. So when she called me after swallowing pills, my heart shattered.

We're best friends, we tell each other everything. We would literally call each other when a minor inconvenience happened, and we needed to complain. Like when the stupid girl in her class would say and ask the dumbest things, she'd call me up real quick and we'd laugh it off. Or when I got upset about my grades and decided to procrastinate my homework and called her instead. That's what our friendship is.

We've experienced multiple losses together; friends passing away, falling out with "friends," so many things have gone wrong in our friendship.

When my best friend attempted suicide, my life changed. I know it sounds ridiculous and it's going to sound like some sort of quirky hallmark movie but my life really truly did change.

My best friend makes me a better person every day that I know her - especially the day she attempted to take her own life. She's my better half, the person I come to when my doctor decides to switch my medications, or when he also inappropriately touches me and I'm not sure how to handle the situation. My best friend Is not just my best friend. She becomes momma bear when I'm in danger, she becomes a sister when I need a shoulder to cry on, a brother when I want to have fun, and a father when she sees my flaws but believes in me anyway.

She is everything to me. Everything. Just in case you missed it.

When she attempted suicide, my world turned upside down and all the walls and everything inside my castle started crumbling around me. How could I have let the one person who means the most to me down? Why did she feel like I wasn't there for her or wouldn't be there for her? She was always there for me and I wish I had upheld the same responsibility in her eyes.

I know she didn't mean to...most of me is so upset with her to the point that I still can't believe she did it.

But there's another part of me that's thankful she did. I'm glad I know now that she's truly struggling within herself, like most of us. That she doesn't have it all figured out. I'm glad this happened because now I know for a fact that she IS my best friend, forever and always. She is the person I look up to the most. To be so weak within yourself and push yourself as much as she did before she couldn't anymore, I am so proud of her. I am so lucky to call her my best friend. To be my rock when I was weak knowing that you didn't want to share your pain with me because I was already struggling truly means so much to me. Of course, I wish you had just told me and we could've gotten through it together but I know you had good intentions. You tried to lighten my load while you could barely hold your own.

You are the rock that I lean on, the funny memory that keeps me going, the shoulder I cry on, you are my everything and for that I thank you.

Check on your loved ones and then check on them again. See through their lies, help them help you. If you are struggling please seek help.

1-800-273-8255 – Suicide/ Self Harm/ Depression Hotline
1-888-633-3239 – Addiction Hotline
1-800-442-4673 – Eating Disorder Hotline

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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.

Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

Suicidal thoughts are thought of in such black-and-white terms. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is there are some stuck in the gray area of those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble, and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead. You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling, whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die?" or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you. You are not alone.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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My Story As A Recovering Self-Harmer

Content warning: Self-harm.


Since high school, I have physically and knowing self-harmed as a way to distract myself. It has been almost 7 years and right now I have only been a few months clean. In the past 7 years, I have relapsed more than a couple of times. I have gone months at a time and found myself at a breaking point.

I know it's nobody's business and it might be oversharing but this is meant for primary readers. For those who are going through recovery or just began today. If secondary or tertiary readers stumble upon this then I hope it helps you understand from the other side.

I am still recovering. The thing about addiction is that you can never fully be "cured." You can be clean for years and still relapse. The key is to decide to try again.

I call it an addiction because it was. I grabbed the razor before I could even understand why I was numb. I did it multiple times a day and sometimes I didn't need an actual reason.

It was a sort of ripple effect. I couldn't stop the ripples into turning into the next one and instead, I just watched as they spread. One second I was OK and the next I locked the door.

Some people smoke and some people drink. I hate the smell of smoke and can't stand the taste of alcohol but I often wish I could use those as a distraction for my distraction. I do many things now to distract myself from getting too close to another relapse. I let out a scream to alarm my family or I start running. The first few seconds of the attempt are the hardest. It's an internal pain that makes you itch inside out.

After a few minutes have passed I can usually begin to calm myself. I sit down and remind myself that everything is OK. It isn't always easy so calling a friend is always an option.

Sometimes I end up crying in order to release all the built-up emotions. When minutes have passed and I am still filled with tears I force myself to grab something to eat. I have realized that I can't cry and eat at the same time. I grab anything. Sometimes my siblings make me something instead.

I am seeking professional help for those who are wondering. I am almost half a year clean and I have two caring and supportive friends and a family who does their best to understand and support me.

Recovery is not easy when it comes to mental illness because the results aren't always visible like a broken bone. Any amount of self felt recovery is amazing. It's a step towards a better you. Talking to people and seeking professional help are all steps.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

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