I've avoided writing this article since the day I was hired by Odyssey. Not only have I been nervous about writing about my own personal struggles with mental illness, but I also had no idea what I wanted to say. All I knew is that my story needed to be told.

This past weekend I went to Memphis, Tennessee to accept a scholarship from the JC Runyon Foundation. This foundation gives scholarships to teens who've suffered from mental illness during their lives. Instead of writing a lengthy article in which I go into every detail of my life, I thought I'd simply attach my speech the I read at the gala. It's everything I've always wanted to say, but never had the courage to. So here we go:

"This past Monday I wrote a 1,000-word essay on the development feminism during the 19th century in three hours. The very next day, I wrote a five-page comparative analysis on the literary works of William Carlos Williams and D.H. Lawrence in four hours. And yet it’s taken me almost two months to write a five-minute speech on my battle with mental illness. And I continually ask myself, why? Why can’t I write about this? But the more I think about it, I don’t really believe it’s about the “why,” it’s about the “how?” How do I write about this? How do I put into words what I went through? How do I help someone understand how mental illness works when I don’t even understand it myself? And then, of course, I think of all these things that I want to touch on and what I really want people to know, but most importantly, I think of how I can make light of my whole story in order somehow soften the blow of what I’m saying. But I’ve realized there’s no way around it, so I’m just going to say it. When I was 17 I was diagnosed with severe generalized anxiety and clinical depression. When I was 17 I was admitted into a behavioral health hospital for a month. When I was 17 I was suicidal.

My whole life I've been the girl that has it all together. During high school, if anyone ever had a problem or needed someone to listen to them, they came to me, thinking that I’d know exactly what to do. To others, I seemed to have all aspects of my life balanced perfectly. But in reality, I didn’t. On the inside I was scrambling. I was silently suffering from multiple panic attacks a day. I was constantly sick and unable to eat without becoming ill. And slowly, I mentally and physically withdrew from every aspect of my life. Due to my poor attendance at school, my grades dropped. I quit all extra curricular activities because I just didn’t care anymore. I stopped hanging out with my friends, and spent my weekends isolating myself from everyone and everything I could. I hated myself, I hated my life, and I hated that I felt this way, 'cause I had no reason to. I had no answer to why I was feeling this way. I felt crazy and I wanted out.

After finally opening up to my parents about what was going on, we decided I needed more extensive treatment than just my weekly visits with a therapist. And so I was admitted into Alexian Brothers Behavioral Health Hospital. I can’t even put into words the experience I had at the hospital. It was life-changing to say the least. I met so many amazing people who suffer daily from things I can’t begin to imagine experiencing. I learned more about myself in one month than I had in the past 17 years of my life. A month later, I left Alexian Brothers a completely different person, leading a completely different life. I went back to school, restored my GPA, and reconnected with everyone and everything I used to love. My senior year came around, and I knew I wanted to go to college. I applied to Kent State University in Ohio, and got in. However, as I am originally from Illinois, I was not only looking at having to pay the incredible cost of tuition, but also hefty out of state fees. So I began looking for scholarships that I could apply for, in order to decrease the financial burden on my parents and on myself. And that’s when I came across the JC Runyon Moving Forward Scholarship. This was the first scholarship I had seen that focused on the personal struggles of an individual during high school, rather than a piece of paper with various scores and ratings that were supposed to represent my life. I wrote out my application and sent it in. A few days later, I received an email from one of the most kindhearted people I’ve ever been in contact with, Nicole Shaheen. I was interviewed by the board, and was later notified that I would be one of the 2015 scholarship recipients.

I now am finishing my second semester at Kent State pursuing a degree in public relations. Nicole regularly emails me just to say hi and check in and I couldn’t be more grateful. If you would’ve told me I’d be where I am now just two years ago I would’ve never believed it. And thanks to the JC Runyon foundation, I have the opportunity to move forward. I want to thank the JC Runyon Foundation for planning this incredible gala. I also want to thank my parents for their unconditional love, support, and understanding. I hope that I can grow to be even a sliver of the incredible people you are. And of course, thank you to all of you who’ve come here tonight. You’ve all given me, as well as all of the other recipients of this scholarship, a chance to not only better ourselves, but also to better the world we live in, and for that, I am forever indebted to you all. I want to get to a point in my life where I can repay all the of the people who’ve helped me through my struggle. I want people to realize that due to their investment in my life when I was at my lowest, they made it possible for me to prosper at my highest. I refuse to forget what I went through, and what many people still go through on a day to day basis. I don’t want sympathy, empathy, or remorse. I want people to start looking at mental illness as a disease that requires treatment, much like cancer. I want to open up conversations about depression, anxiety, eating disorders, etc. I want these conversations spoken in a normal, comfortable tone rather than in hushed whispers as if it’s something to be embarrassed about. I want all of us to end the stigma of mental illness. I want all of us to treat those who are suffering with compassion and respect. But most of all I want for all those who are suffering to know that they’re not alone. I want them to know that it will get better, even if it doesn’t feel like it. I want them to know that it’s not going to be easy, but I want them to know that each any every one of them is worth it. I want all of this, and I won’t stop working until all of these are no longer wants, but instead, achieved goals. I know I can do this, and I will. This isn’t just a story of a 19-year-old girl’s battle with mental illness. This is my story, and I’m not done writing it yet. Thank you."

If there's anything you can take from this article, it's that mental illness is real and crippling. And for those who are suffering from a mental illness, you're not alone. I hope this helps.