Hi, how are you? It's currently 12:53am and i have a 9:45 class in the morning. i'm a freshman at my dream college. I like fried pickles, listening to music, do i drink way more cherry cokes then a person should. I love to travel, listen to stories, and sit in my car with my friends. i'm really quiet and some people say i'm a little backwards, but that's what makes me different. This is also my first time writing on this website, i love writing my thoughts so some of these that will be posted will already be written out & some may not. it's a stress mechanism.

hi, my name is haley and i have an anxiety disorder.

i've always been "worried" or "on the edge of my seat" as some people would describe to me. Some people love to tell me "just calm down" or "it's not even that big of a deal". But you see, it is. It is a big deal. My first anxiety attack was in 10th grade in my agriculture class. I was taking a test that i studied so hard for and i knew the material back and forth. Until my heart started racing, I started getting dizzy, and I couldn't think straight. When people tell you that a first time anxiety attacking feels like you're dying, they aren't lying. I wasn't for sure if I was going to walk out of that class that day. My teacher didn't really understand anxiety. He always told that "anxiety doesn't exist and it's just people making up excuses." After I finished the test (that I ended up failing) i grabbed my phone and went to bathroom. I sat on the floor of the girls bathroom and cried until I didn't have anymore tears. I was gasping for air and felt like if I just closed my eyes I would pass out right there. I called my dad basically screaming into the phone about how scared I was. He told me to go to the nurse and explain to her what was happening and that I was having an anxiety attack. The nurse emailed my next teacher and told her that I would be late to class and to excuse me being tardy. She asked me some general questions about when I take test and also my every day life. Later that week I went to the doctor where I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder. I was giving some medication for my panic attacks. I take two pills, one daily and one on my "bad days."

I was hostage. I was locked up in my own mind and my own thoughts. Was I going crazy? Is there something wrong with me? There's NO way i can tell my friends this, they will totally think i'm a freak. wrong, wrong and still wrong. I am not crazy, there is nothing wrong with me, and I am not a slave to my anxiety. My disorder does not define nor confine me. I am a freshman now in college and I still struggle. Sometimes I don't want to get out of bed or sometimes it would be easier if I just went back to Louisiana. I still tear myself down and make myself feel so little at night. I lay in bed thinking that I am and never will be good enough. I'm not perfect and neither is my anxiety , but i'm getting there.

Since my senior year of high school I boast in my anxiety. I let it be the subject of topics,I let people know how i struggle, I push it away sometimes and say "not today anxiety." and other days the word 'anxiety' makes me cry and it over takes my life. Seeing me in the hallway or on someone's snapchat story you would never think that I have anxiety. I am currently outgoing, laugh a lot, talk to strangers, and I can hold a conversation without feeling the urge to throw up. I can raise my hand in class without thinking that I might say something stupid. But, I still have my bad days and i've learned that maybe that's okay & that it is okay not to be okay sometimes. I find the beauty in my life and the things around me.

I'm a freshman in college and I still struggle. I still have anxiety attacks and i still feel like sometimes life isn't worth living. Sometimes i rather be gone and other times i rather run away. It doesn't go away, but it does get better. I learned not to be afraid of it anymore. I let my teachers know personally about my disorder, my parents check in on me when they know times are getting rough, and my friends are the greatest. They love me and they understand.

A couple nights after moving to Hattiesburg, I had my first anxiety attack away from home without my parents there. I was texting a friend and he automatically called me and just talked to me. Asked me questions about things he knew i enjoyed and that would calm me down. he stayed on the phone with me until i fell asleep. I've had anxiety attacks in cars where I have to lay down and just close my eyes and everyone gets quiet because "Haley's having an episode." I know, most people find that offensive, but It's fine to me. They do it out of love.