When we left off last scene we learned Mrs. Jones' true feelings about Charlie in a spat over what flowers to get for the funeral. Today, Charlie goes to meet with the police chief.
SCENE IV
The police chief’s office, gray and mostly unfurnished, except for a desk, two plastic chairs, a phone and a lamp. POLICE CHIEF is sitting at the desk, CHARLIE enters.
CHARLIE
Hello, I’m Charlie Welch. I talked to your officer on the phone just a bit ago about a murder.
POLICE CHIEF
Ah yes, hello Charlie. Irving told me you were coming in…He uh also said something about donuts.
CHARLIE
Apparently I interrupted his sugar shack run.
POLICE CHIEF
I thought you were bringing them, though. That’s why I let you past the mighty Irving.
CHARLIE
Why are donuts your priority? They’re globs of fried dough that clog your arteries!
If you’re so concerned about your donuts, buy a donut-maker for your break room or something...
If you’re still around by then that is…I thought you, of all people, would help me!
POLICE CHIEF
Now, Charlie, you don’t need to yell. They don’t give us enough donuts anymore but thank you
for the marvelous donut idea. I must see what I can do about that.
So, onto business, who was murdered?
CHARLIE
My girlfriend.
POLICE CHIEF
Interesting.
CHARLIE
What do you mean interesting? How is interesting a good response to that?
How is it ever a good response to anything? It never is a good response,
especially to someone who is bereaved! It isn’t interesting that my girlfriend is dead,
it’s tragic! You need to spend some more time with your dictionary sir if you really think
interesting is a good response.
POLICE CHIEF
Wow, you are bereaved! Yes, it is tragic, but to me it’s practically commonplace.
I encounter bad situations almost as much as I breathe.
CHARLIE
I don’t care how commonplace this is to you because it certainly isn’t
commonplace for me. The whole reason I came here was to talk to you
about the death of my girlfriend Andria.
POLICE CHIEF
Specifically?
CHARLIE
Someone killed her and I want to find out who because you can’t
just kill my RiRi and get away with it!
POLICE CHIEF
That’s your…uhm…pet name for her is it? As awful as it is,
you can’t use it. Rihanna trademarked it.
CHARLIE
No, she hasn’t!
POLICE CHIEF
Yes, she has. I checked.
CHARLIE
Who cares?! Back to the matter at hand. Since you’re obviously going
to be of no help to me, could you give me the name of a detective who can help me-
POLICE CHIEF
Find out where Rihanna’s nickname is trademarked? That’s easy, Twitter!
Don’t you live in the twenty-first century with the rest of us?
CHARLIE
What the hell are you talking about?
POLICE CHIEF
Well, you see, we were talking about Rihanna, and she happens to be one of my idols so . . .
CHARLIE
THAT IS NOT THE MATTER AT HAND! Just give me a name of a detective
who can help me catch the murderer so I can get out of here before
the stupidity infects me as well.
POLICE CHIEF
Stupidity can’t infect you. Being a doctor and all I would have thought you’d know that.
CHARLIE
A name please.
POLICE CHIEF
Right. Detective HEATHER CAMPBELL will be good for the case.
She does a lot of these.
CHARLIE
“These”, meaning?
POLICE CHIEF
Murders of course.
CHARLIE
Well, then I’ll go with her.
POLICE CHIEF
Okie dokie, Heather Campbell it is!
POLICE CHIEF opens a desk drawer, pulls out a business card and hands it to CHARLIE.
CHARLIE
Thank you.
POLICE CHIEF
Not a problem Charlie, just doing my job is all.
CHARLIE
If this works out I may come back with donuts. What kind do you like?
Sugar, sugar coated, chocolate, jelly-filled, or sugar filled?
Oh wait, they’re all sugar-filled!
POLICE CHIEF
Well, strawberry frosted with sprinkles is my favorite, but I’ll eat anything.
CHARLIE exits.
