Dear Body,
I have always believed that it’s always possible to choose love. I’ve smiled at and prayed for people that never did anything but try to hurt me, I’ve chosen to give second and third chances to people who haven’t done anything to prove they’ve changed. I’ve chosen to love people who do nothing but spew hatred. Because I can see the beauty, the humanity, in almost everyone.
But, for some reason, I could never see the beauty in you.
It took me nineteen years to get to the place I am now. I used to stare at the mirror and criticize what I thought were your flaws. I used to loathe you and believe you were the reason I was unhappy, the reason I couldn’t find love, the reason I was bullied in middle school.
But all the while, you were there for me, despite my complete disgust with you. You gave me strong legs and a powerful core to run cross-country, you gave me killer calves to get those 8-to-5s at 180 BPM in marching band.
You didn’t even fail me when I starved you and deprived you of the nourishment you needed to function. You slowed down, yes, just as anyone would if they weren't getting the fuel they needed. But you put up a hell of a fight, and I’m still here today because you did.
I’m here now, and I am completely and utterly in love with you. We have our days, of course, where you get on my nerves and make me want to change you. But I never do, because in the end I find your curves beautiful.
The way your spine curves down your back, the way your waist dips in and out at the hips, the way your squish makes me soft to the touch. The little bit of fat on the stomach is your way of protecting my organs, as though every inch of warmth and softness that cushions my belly is a fierce embrace, whispering, “I love you, and I want to keep you safe and healthy”.
And my legs. My thighs. The amount of times I villainized those parts of you, the amount of leg raises I did trying to shrink you. Never again, I promise. I recognize just how straight up sexy they are, how the curves and strength of my legs represent the beauty, the sensuality, and the sheer force of my womanhood.
You are exquisite, divine, absolutely gorgeous, and I can’t get enough of you. You are worthy of being adored not just because of how beautiful you are, or how you function, but because you are the home of a person who wants to change the world. A person who chooses love, and finds beauty in what she once found ugly. A person who hopes and dreams and laughs and cries and lives. You are home. You are my home. And I will never ever let anyone tell me how you should look ever again.
Claire