Dear Him,
OK. So this is my first time writing an open letter so please bear with me. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of three years (on and off) because we were going to college in two different states and we knew personally that distance wasn’t the way to go for us. Recently, I found myself crying over my laptop because I wanted one of his warm soft hugs so badly, but I couldn’t have one because he is over 8 hours away.
He is and will forever be my first love. His friends became my second family, and my friends became his. We met my sophomore year in high school at my first ever speech and debate competition. I did not even know that I was gay when I first met him, when we met we just clicked. Perfect chemistry. I have really bad social anxiety around new people, but when I was around him that day I wasn’t nervous at all. I was fully myself. At the end of the day he gave me his number and we started texting and skyping all day and all night from that night on.
After about three weeks he asked me on a date to my school’s homecoming game. I was so euphoric the day before the game I asked him out, only for him to say no, he did not want to rush things. Yet, he still wanted to go to the game with me so I thought there was still hope. The night of the game I was so damn excited words could not describe. I was so nervous at the same time.
I was nervous because he said he had a surprise and I hate surprises.
The night ended up being amazing and his surprise turned out to be him asking me out the day after I failed in asking him. Since that day, October 26, 2013 we were on and off from his fear of commitment, my fear of commitment, me being foolish, or simply an argument. But no matter what, we always found our way back to each other. For instance, this summer.
The thing is even though he never really said I love you he most definitely expressed it in every way. From my daily good morning text, knowing exactly what to order for me, being the only person to calm me when I get worked up (which is very often), being held in his arms or vice versa just made us feel whole.
The one weird thing about him was that he had a fear of saying the words “I love you”. For most people, this wouldn't be a big deal this deep into our relationship. He NEVER said "I love you" so when he finally did my heart soared and felt complete, which is a big deal with us. Even though it took us three years to say it, we did. We mutually decided to break up before we left for school because he is going to Pratt Institute and I am going to UNCG and distance just doesn’t cut it with us.
I wish him all the happiness in the world, but I also want him to know that I will always love him even though I am moving on and so is he. I miss him so much my heart hurts, but we taught each other how to love.
I just hope I can find someone else I can connect with and make me feel just as safe as you did.
Wish You the Best In Everything
-Your Semi-Burnt Nugget
