One year ago, you left your body behind on this planet, and we never got to see you again. No warning, you were gone. I thought we had a lifetime of memories left to make; I thought I could hug you the next time I saw you. Mother’s day was the last time I saw you moving, and the next time I hugged you, you were in a coffin, surrounded by the shock and tears of everyone that loves you.
Losing money, losing an item, losing a bet, those losses are not so easy. But that loss, the loss of a beautiful human life is absolutely maddening. You begin to drown in the impossibility of losing someone you saw one day ago. You bargain and you ration that maybe there was something you missed and if you could just go back and change it. You make a plea to whichever God is out there to bring them back. You start to wonder if this is like a television show, where the character is missing, but a miracle can bring them back.
No miracles, just pain.
The first few weeks pass by like a blur, no true recollection, your mind and body feel numb and drugged. But the numbing fades away and you think… I’m still here, how am I surviving this. And the pain hits you hard. You realize what you are dealing with. You realize that you must live every day without them, and that knowledge cannot be stomached all at once. The days must pass, day-by-day, while you pretend their loss is a temporary state. Maybe pretend they are on vacation so you can sedate your mind a little.
There’s some guilt, too.
You wonder why you get to see that new movie they never got around to, or why you get to continue eating their favorite foods. But the guilt of thinking that you might be moving on hurts the most. When it hits you that you might be moving on, even temporarily, you feel guilt that you are not doing their loss justice. And the pain starts all over again.
Some days you will be so wrapped up in the memories and you will cry every chance you get. Some days, they will creep up on you and the sentiment of it will make you smile.
But it’s during the hollowest moments of loss that you must remember, death resides in life. We will all lose a loved one and we can commemorate them, keep them alive, by our words and by our thoughts. By the way we live out our lives. We can work to strive for the greatness they envision for us.
I miss my brother, every day. Some days the feeling grows stronger and I catch myself talking to the air, where he is supposed to be standing. Sometimes I catch myself laughing at something he would make fun of me for. But mostly, I catch myself remembering him every single day. I wait for the next time I can see him in my dreams. And I try to hope that he is somewhere out there enjoying a new form of life, one more suitable for his carefree and joyful personality.
Remember all your lost ones in kind words and warm emotions. Remember all the good they brought you, and continue their work to commemorate and celebrate their life.
