After living in one place and going to one school my entire life, I’ve made significant connections with people; Also known as my friends. Thinking about putting thousands of miles between me and them is heartbreaking. Leaving people is going to be hard, and it’s going to hurt. I’ve known some since preschool, and some only since freshman year and at this point that time doesn’t matter; the only time I can think about is how long we’re going to be apart. Luckily throughout the year, even though I knew my plans, the reality of it all didn’t really hit me. Despite that, I did work hard to make sure I spent as much time as I could with everyone, and I took a lot of pictures to create a photo album of memories from the year. I knew it would be a keepsake I’d be glad to have in college. However, I’m not sure much could alleviate the imminent stress and anxiety I feel now, about not seeing my favorite faces every day. As the days have dropped into the double digits, I can feel it now. I can feel the distance already and it’s scary. My secret keepers and day trip takers won’t even be in the same state. I’ll be somewhere new, without the people I have always had to try new things with. My heart will be missing a piece.
Similarly, the stress has been smacking me in the face about my family as well. No more family dinners or get togethers on weekends. No one will cook me a homemade meal or tuck me in when I need it. Where my mom has been to make my appointments and drive me places, I’ll be on my own. Where my parents have raised me, I’ll have to put everything they’ve taught me to use because that’s all I’ll have of them. Where my friends have been supportive of my big decision, many of my family members question it. They think I’m trying to run away from something; maybe they fear I’m trying to run away from them. They think I’m making a mistake, that I shouldn’t move so far away from home. I don’t know how to remedy what they feel, but if they knew how bitter it feels, how much ache already resides in my chest at the thought of leaving them, they would understand I could never be doing this to try to hurt them.
Even though I’ll still be back for a few holidays, being so far away from the people who ground me is very yikes. Very yikes. Both my friends and family have supported me and have been there for me in my endeavors through life, and in a few short months it’ll just be me. The village at my back will be an army of one. Everyone will be there in spirit, but I won’t be able to just go right to them when I need them.
Yet, with all the heartache I feel now, and all the more heartache I'll feel later, I know I have to go. With all the sadness I feel and all the sadness I know others must feel, something inside me reassures me and deep down I know I’m doing the right thing. This drive that I have is beyond my own emotions, and it exists somewhere near my core. I can’t explain it better than a sure, gut feeling that I know I have to follow. I know I’ll make mistakes on my own, I know I’ll fall down, but with everything the people in my life have taught me I am determined to get back up. I am determined take on this adventure; the emotions are just a part of the journey.
