A couple of days ago I was having a conversation with my daughter that produced a Déjà vu moment. As I thought about it, I realized that I had a similar conversation with my mother some twenty years earlier. It was a conversation about my daughter wanting and needing time apart from her very energetic twelve-month-old daughter. As I stood there listening to her, my heart broke for her because I have been exactly where she is.
Many moons ago as a young mother, I struggled to care for four young children with the youngest three being less than three years apart. I was exhausted. I had no time to myself, and I remember opening up to my mom one day about it. As I cried to her, she reassured me by telling me that once the kids grow up that I would have plenty of time to myself. “Kids need their mother,” she said. I know she was trying to comfort me, but instead, I felt as though I just had a ton more bricks put on my shoulders.
At the time, I was a mom of four daughters ranging in age from my new little bundle of joy to my six-year-old. I was exhausted. My day was filled with cooking, cleaning, laundry, diaper changes, and breastfeeding. My day began at five a.m. with the wide eyes and smiles of all my kids waking up with the energy of a tornado. From the moment they opened their beautiful little eyes until I finished cleaning up at about midnight, my day was nonstop.
If I took any time for myself I felt extremely guilty. Much of it was my own self - imposed guilt, but some of it was the old-style traditions of my family and their beliefs that mothers should sacrifice all for their family. That thought process was passed down through the generations, and even remember when I was growing up and my mom doing nothing for herself. Naturally, that is how I thought it was supposed to be, so when I thought about taking time for myself I felt selfish and guilty.
The truth is because of that guilt, mothers tend to push aside their own wants and need to care for their family until they become shells of who they used to be. Mia Redrick of Huffington Post writes, “So many women lose themselves in motherhood. I call this the “Silent War,” the process of slowly fading away from yourself, your interests and your passions without even realizing that it is happening.” I completely agree with this statement. As I sit here today writing this, long since the days of chasing little ones around the house, I still don’t have a clue to who I am. Yes, I know I am a wife, mother, and grandmother, and I know I am a student, but what I want what truly interests me I have no clue. I am now a mother of six adult children and a grandmother to five amazing grandchildren, and still, all I want to do is make them happy.
I wish I knew then what I know now, that it is okay to take time for yourself without feeling guilty. In fact, it is essential for the wellbeing of moms everywhere. If you don’t do things to take care of yourself and recharge your batteries, then your kids are getting a poor version of who you are. It is also teaching them to become mothers who don’t take care of themselves or fathers who allow their wives to do it all.
After years of feeling guilty for having my own thoughts of what I wanted for my life, and years of depleting who I was to leave me with this empty shell of who I used to be I realize how difficult the cycle is to break. We are not perfect, nor should we expect ourselves to be. There will always be those who have opinions about what we should and shouldn’t do, but ultimately, we can’t be the best moms we can be if we don’t take care of ourselves.
If I could give one piece of advice to my own daughters and other young mothers it would be to allow yourself to live. You had a whole life before having children, and just because you became a mother doesn’t mean you must give it all up. It’s okay to want time away from your kids to do the thing you love and to have a break from them. You shouldn’t feel guilty or selfish for thinking or wanting more. Go out and have a drink with your girlfriends. If you want to work, then work. Keep up on those hobbies you were so passionate about before you had kids, and if you need a night away from the kids just to sleep, then do it. You will be a much better mother if you take care of yourself first.
