I am known as a pun goddess by many, which isn't necessarily a good thing in their eyes. I have a tendency to make a pun out of literally everything, and I consider it to be my strongest and most useful talent/life skill. Puns can be used in every single situation, from annoying literally everyone in sight to cheering a person up after some bad news. Now, I've seen a lot of pun lists in my life, but the puns in them are usually never applicable in real-life (Like honestly, who can use a pun about Filipino food coloring in a normal, day-to-day conversation?). It's a struggle when your brain is tired and pun lists on Google don't help. So here's a solution for you: a face-palming list of actually applicable everyday puns that'll probably send you to an early grave.
1. I named my iPhone the Titanic... it's syncing now.
Best used when you're trying to show a friend something on your phone and it keeps loading. This gif will be your friend's face; is that reason enough to use this?
2. What do they do with chemists when they die? They barium.
A face-palming pun to get you through the horror that is chemistry. You can use this in help sessions, labs or just everyday class. Alternative use: cheering your friend up after they inevitably lose their will to live in chemistry.
3. Wow, that dog is looking ruff.
My dog got a bad haircut once, and I proceeded to tell this pun to literally everybody and post it everywhere, and you should do the same! Every single time my dog looks weird in the slightest, my sister and I both say it for him because it's absolutely hilarious when used properly.
4. Ew, that German sausage was the absolute wurst.
I always make this pun when anyone is ever eating sausage or any other meat in my general vicinity. Oops? There's always a time for roasting German sausage (BA DUM TSSHHH). Wow, a pun within a pun description. Pun-ception. Bonus points if you're a vegetarian!
5. You have a UTI? Oh man, urine trouble!
Please, I implore you, pee-ase (I'm so funny, I know right) tell this to the next person you know that gets a UTI. This gif is honestly a visual representation of when you will tell them this pun. Splash it in their faces like the lady in the gif!
6. I didn't like my new haircut at first, but then it grew on me.
This pun is literally applicable to any haircut you get, ever! It's a universal pun! If anyone asks you about your haircut, USE THIS!
7. Your cat peed on your rug? You've got to be kitting me!
This pun is great if you have a death wish. Cat owners will sic their cat on you and show no mercy. They're ruthless people with even more ruthless pets. I'm speaking from experience here. (This pun is also applicable to literally anything a cat does that merits any emotion at all. Use every other second if you really want to piss them off.)
8. Broken pencils are pointless.
Isn't everything pointless though? Not when you have these irritating puns! You get an A+ if you use this when someone breaks a pencil. (This gif will be your friends' faces after they hear this pun.)
9. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus!
If I had half a penny for every time I used this when I was on Thesarus (very helpful resource, by the way), I would be able to afford the entirety of Merriam-Webster. This is such a kindergarten joke that its idiocy becomes hilarious.
10. I saw this vegetarian girl yesterday, but I couldn't remember where I'd seen herbivore.
Oh god, this is one of the worst ones on this list. But hey, even if you didn't see anyone yesterday, you can still piss your friends off with it! As a vegetarian, I approve this message.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If you tell this joke in your local church/synagogue/mosque/temple/house, oh lord (haha) will you get a reaction! It's truly ridiculous.
12. There's a blizzard?! There's snow way we're getting out of this storm now!
Would you believe me if I said that I came up with this on the spot just now with no prior planning? Best applicable when it's snowing, but you can totally use it on the hottest day ever in the middle of July just to be irritatingly ironic.
Side note: you know nothing, Jon Snow.
13. Sea the line where the sky meets the sea, it calls me!
If you're going to make a "Moana" reference, why not see how far you'll go (whoa, I'm good) and make a pun while you're at it! I like to use this one when I'm watching/have just finished watching/about to watch this movie, but Moana puns are always completely appropriate! If you haven't watched "Moana" yet, then water you even doing with your life? (Man, I'm on a roll with these puns!)
14. I'm so glad I studied for that test; where would IB if I didn't?
Does IB stand for "imminent burial" like the one all IB students need after they all inevitably perish? You all should use this pun to help revive your zombie souls a bit in IB class, when doing homework, or whenever IB comes up. This pun is my condolences for your suffering. Stay strong.
15. Whale then, I guess there's no true porpoise to life anywaves.
If this list of horrible, god-awful puns has made you or your friends lose faith in humanity, announce your loss to the world while simultaneously making everyone lose a little more faith in humanity. If you use this in an aquarium or beach, I will personally be proud of you and bless you for all time. Also please make the face the dolphin is making after you crack this joke (I always do). Triple aquatic puns for the win!
Yes, yes, I know you're immensely grateful for this angelic favor I have bestowed upon you. Be sure to use each and every single one of these puns in every situation you can! Now go forth and rule the world by annoying everyone with these puns!
