It starts as a stirring in the stomach, this little monster of mine. Spreading from a churning stomach, to swirling thoughts, to tears of panic. Wrapping me up like a blanket that is fearful rather than comforting. I could not place this feeling at first. I did not understand it, nor do I completely understand it now. A dread about nothing and about everything all at once. “You are fine” they say, “your life is perfect”, as if these few words would make it magically disappear. As if I had not tried telling myself this a million times.

This summer, anxiety had overridden my life. I let panic attacks rule who I was, who I saw, and where I went. Avoiding most social situations, never wanting to work, relying on the few closest to me to hold my hands, and even tearing apart relationships I hold most dear to me. I let this monster control me for months, and still sometimes do. They say admitting you have a problem is the first step, yet what if admitting it to others is more difficult? “You do not have mental issues; you have never had to go through anything bad. Your life is perfect.” That was all I seemed to hear, over and over and over. The stigma that surrounds mental disorders is the idea that only people with “real problems” should experience feelings of anxiety. Like I said, admitting these issues to other people is often more nauseating than admitting them to yourself. Well, to those reading this, whether anxiety-ridden like myself or someone lucky enough to never experience it, anxiety is real and normal and not just reserved for those who have experienced trauma. My (thankfully) “trauma-less life” still lead me down this path, as I am sure it has to many others out there.

For those dealing with anxiety, you are not alone. Whether I be the only one to admit it or not, there are plenty of us out there fighting the same feelings you are. That sickness, worry, and crying that never seems to cease, do not give up. I found myself giving in to these feelings more and more each day until one day I decided that I would not let something run my life for me. I wish I could say that since this day I have never felt that dread, sadness, and discomfort. While I still experience all of this full force, I have chosen to fight rather than give in, to be strong even when it seems there is no hope out there. Because although you may feel scared and alone, there are many people out there feeling just the same as you are, fighting day in and day out to feel ok. So smile through the pain, laugh when something is funny, and be a social butterfly. Battle through your weak moments and celebrate your strong ones because yesterday is not today and each day you grow a little stronger than the last.