There is no in between anymore. I’m either extremely nostalgic or overly apathetic; I want to stay in the little bubble world of Lipscomb or I want to leave and never come back. One month away from graduation and I can’t decide if I want to punch the next person who asks me about my future or completely gush about everything I’m hoping for.
In those nostalgic moments, I find myself scared and sad. I’ve never been more than a couple of miles from the people I’ve learned to call my second family, and I’m not sure if I want to be. I have a church family, a school family, a steady work life that is comfortable. I can’t help but think about all the moments that got me to today, less than one month away from leaving. I remember the jokes during quest week about getting married to a Lipscomb boy in the spring, only to realize senior year after the third engagement in a week that it wasn’t really a joke.
I remember climbing onto roofs and feeling rebellious, pretending to hate curfew but loving the talks with my RA who made me feel special and when having two tests in the same week felt like the end of the world. I love thinking about bonding with my pledge sisters whenever we go out to dinner or about the first paper I ever wrote for my now favorite professor. Things seemed so new and so exciting. And then those things became my life. I still love complaining about the same professors, Chick-Fil-A constituting half of my meals and being able to say hi to multiple people on a simple walk from class.
On other days, I dread going to class. Sometimes I’m tired of drama that feels like we should have outgrown and doing the work that’s piling up as finals draw closer. I’d rather be out of such a small school and living on my own, sometimes. As scared as I am about the future, I like thinking about everything that’s about happen. I know I’ve set myself up for success, and even if I don’t know exactly how it will play out, I often find myself daydreaming about the different ways things can go. I look forward to having my own kitchen and cooking my own meals. I might miss Lipscomb, but I’m ready to have new friends with the same responsibilities and goals as I do and new experiences. On some days I even feel confident and ready. No one ever has it all together and talking with others who are graduating makes me feel more assured that I don’t have to know everything. I just have to trust God, and the last few years have brought me farther along on that journey than I ever imagined.
Being one month away from graduation is possibly the weirdest feeling that I’ve ever had. I know that the good times will stay with me forever, and I know there are more to come, but I will always miss my time here. Some days it might be hard to get out of bed or write that last paper, but I still love seeing how far I’ve come. I know I’m not in this boat alone. It’s a crazy place to be, but on either side of the yo-yo there’s something to enjoy. If I’m nostalgic and scared, I get to enjoy all the memories and remembering how faithful God has been. If I’m tired of my time here, I get to experience the joy of anticipation. Being one month away from graduation is weird and new every day, but it’s also so good.
