I can't believe it's been a month already, and I still can't believe he's really gone. I also didn't know it was possible to miss someone as much as I miss my dad. I told myself that I would write about this a month later, to realize how far I've come and so all of you who have had a huge loss in your life, can learn someone else's story and experience. That way, you don't feel so alone knowing someone else is going through the same type of pain.
When the loss of my dad was recent--I mean it's still fresh--but those first days, I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to go out, I didn't feel like talking much, I was and still am quiet in classes compared to how much I normally speak up. Throughout the day I space out, and a lot of times I have trouble focusing on my reading or homework assignments. Sometimes I feel like I'll never be able to completely focus anymore, but it's okay because in time I know it'll get better--slowly but surely.
However, I made the first effort in going out about a week ago with a friend--and even though I constantly thought about my dad through the night, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Sometimes, when I am out with my boyfriend, enjoying time with him, I feel guilty for having fun and it gets me sad. I know I shouldn't feel guilty and it's totally fine to have fun, laugh, and feel happy; but because my dad isn't here doing the same, I feel that rush of shame for having fun and not being in bed crying, or being depressed. But truth is, I'm not that type of person, and I know my dad is proud of me for not becoming someone completely different. He knows that deep down inside I still ache from the pain everyday, and that's the type of depression I have. I cry or tear up everyday, but with every tear I shed, I somehow feel stronger than before. With that being said, I want you all to know it's more than okay to cry about it every day.
Many people tell me, "I don't know how you're doing it." Truth be told, I don't know either;but I do know that my dad would be proud of me for continuing to do what I love,and that keeps me going. Many people tell me, "you're a very strong girl." To be honest with you, I didn't know I was capable of being this strong (emotionally and mentally). And now that I know how strong I actually am, I know that anyone and everyone of you, has the same ability. We're all human at the end of the day,and we might share more similarities than differences.Another thing you'll find out when going through something as rough and terrible as this, is who your true friends really are. I mean it. There are going to be a lot of people there in the beginning, offering their condolences and prayers, and more, but the people who are there for you after the loss are the people that most care about you. The people who text you, "How are you doing?" or show up uninvited to your house to see how you're really doing, are the people who have your back no matter what. The people who tell you they will listen to you because they're not quite sure of what to say to help make you feel better, those are real friends. I know it sucks thinking about how many other people you lost along with your huge loss, but it's better for everyone to know which are the friendships worth fighting for in the future.
Ultimately, I hope my dad reads this because although this is a message for all of you, it's also for my dad. Dad, I'll never forget you laughing at me when I would make the ridiculous faces I make; it's a memory I will cherish forever. I love and miss you, forever and always Dad.
