I don't mean to state the overwhelmingly obvious, but college is pretty damn expensive. Between housing, food, tuition, and paying for friends, by the end of fall quarter, you barely have enough money to survive. Then after you blow that remaining money on a music festival, you find yourself begging for swipes from that freshman from your high school who kinda dated that girl in your APUSH class. Since college isn't going to get any cheaper, it's important to learn how to save money where you can. Here are the best and most convenient ways to do so.
1. When going to a Mexican restaurant, leave after eating chips and salsa.
There is a major flaw in the American restaurant system that few take advantage of. Nearly every Mexican restaurant you go to gives you free food in the form of chips and salsa. For some reason, we're all foolish enough to consume this free food, say, “no, I would prefer to pay large amounts of dollar bills for my food" and proceed to eat more expensive Mexican food. Why not just eat the chips and salsa until you are full? When the waiter asks what you would like to order, just say no thanks, and walk out. It is still polite to leave a tip, but remember that 15% of free is still 0.
2. Tape a license plate to your butt, hold a steering wheel in your hands, and run on the freeway to where you need to go, all the while yelling “vroom vroom beep."
Although it fluctuates, it's pretty fair to say that gas can be expensive. There are plenty of places you need/want to go, but you're getting tired of dropping money on gas you could be spending on high-quality neckties. The best way to avoid this is by utilizing the old and unknown federal law which states, “anything which has a license plate, a steering wheel, and goes 'vroom vroom beep' is a street legal vehicle." It helps the environment by only using 15% of the gasoline you would use in a standard car, and is a great workout. You may get some dirty looks from other drivers, but only because people are jealous that they didn't think of it first!
3. Go into Ralph's and say, “I am Ralph, the one and only true Ralph" for a free can of soup.
Grocery shopping can be a pain, but adding a free meal can ease it. It is a hidden secret of Ralph's grocery store that walking up to one of the grocers and telling them that you are the true Ralph will give you a free can of soup. When the store's founder, Ralph, was on his deathbed, his final words were, “I do not want to die. I was hoping to live forever, but this plan has not worked out for me. I will live through my customers. If they declare themselves to be me, Ralph, give them the gift of food; the gift of life. Only then can I be eternal." It's as eerie as it is convenient.
4. Steal all the toilet paper from Taco Bell and sell it to customers outside the restrooms for $2 a square.
This one may tear at your conscience a little bit, but it's a dog-eat-dog world. If there's one thing in this world a Taco Bell customer needs, it's an abundance of toilet paper. Even Kanye West would give you his ego and North if he saw that they had run out of toilet paper. You could make thousands in a single day.
5. Place a $1 bill and a $100 bill in a glass container and place a drop of oxytocin on each so that they breed and create a $50 bill.
Do you ever just look at your money and wish it would create more? I know I sure do. Luckily, due to new research, this is possible. If you place a $1 bill and a $100 bill in a glass container and leave them to themselves, sexual tension may naturally emerge and they may begin to mate. To ensure this process, as there is not always compatibility, you can place a drop of the “intimacy hormone" oxytocin on each to ensure success. This can only happen between a $1 bill and a $100 bill, reportedly due to the real-life intimacy shared between George Washington and Benjamin Franklin.
6. Carry Madame Zeroni up the mountain.
Everyone knows the famous story of how Madame Zeroni gave Stanley Yelnats' great-great-grandfather Elya a pig in exchange for carrying her up the mountain in the Louis Sachar novel Holes. While this tale was obviously fictional, as Elya Yelnats was not a real person, in real life, if you carry Madame Zeroni up the mountain, she gives you a check for $250. Why work at Subway when the delightful gypsy is at the base of the mountain, just waiting to be carried?
7. Sit next to a sign that says “wishing well" and hold your arms out to form a circle.
People think it's great fun to throw spare change into a wishing well, because when their dysfunctional lives reach a point of indescribable disarray, why not throw a goddamned nickel into the ground? Take advantage of this folly by impersonating a well. Sit perfectly still next to a sign that says, “wishing well," and all sorts of people will throw change at you. It's a great way to hear about people's unfulfilled desires and make a hefty amount of change.
And all of a sudden, balancing your finances in college doesn't seem so scary, does it?
